


Connie Swap Episode 5: Tales of Beach City

by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts



Series: Connieswap [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Fight Scenes, Gen, Momswap, Monster of the Week, Pictures, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU, Storytelling, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-18 02:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10607424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Snow Day! School is cancelled so Steven is coming over to the Beach House for a fun-filled day of outdoor winter fun with Connie… until Peridot hands them both hot cocoa and insists they stay warm and indoors instead. With marshmallows to roast and stories the swap, the pair hunker down by the fireside in Tales of Beach City.





	1. Of Tails and Tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode 1, Chapter 2 has been updated! According to BR42, this was an extensive rewrite, especially compared to what was needed for Ep1Ch1. People who read the old version are, in BR42's words, _going to be missing a whole lot of new content, funny moments, and even a bit of foreshadowing that wasn't there previously if they don't reread Connie Swap's second chapter_.

Connie’s new cell phone buzzed and was overlooked where she’d set it on the kitchen counter. 

Peridot, Jasper, and Connie were preparing a breakfast of blueberry pancakes with walnut bits, fresh squeezed orange juice, apple slices, and carrot sticks. Connie, wearing an apron over her pajamas, was mixing the blueberries, walnuts, and batter in a large mixing bowl. Peridot was simultaneously cooking the pancakes in a heavy cast iron skillet, peeling and slicing the carrots, and coring and slicing the apples with fingers floating in pairs and triplets at various tasks about the kitchen.

Jasper was cracking the walnuts… by doing pinkie curls. She was leaning on the side of the kitchen counter closest to the warp pad, and the splatter pattern along one wall showed where she’d earlier made the orange juice.

After a period of further culinary domesticity, Connie’s cell phone buzzed again, dancing momentarily on the countertop before going still.

Handing the bowl over to a trio of Peridot’s digits, Connie heard the front door slam, turned and… was suddenly eye level with a fish.

The girl raised an eyebrow. The fish did not.

“Did you _min-know_ that I’m skipping _school_?” ‘asked’ the large, grey-and-pink speckled fish that was suspended within a medicine ball-sized blob of water. Visible but blurry behind the fish was Lapis who, continuing in a silly voice, added, “I _shore_ hope no one _tails_ on me. Waka Waka!”

“You know,” deadpanned Connie as she started mixing more batter, “it’s bad enough that that guy’s on the menu; you’re really going to make his last words be fish puns delivered in the voice of Fozzie Bear?”

“Nooo,” said the Blue gem, mischief twinkling in her eyes, “because his real last words are going to be,” and she shifted back to her muppet voice, “Gimme a kiss!”

The sphere, and by extension the atlantic salmon suspended within, shot forward.

“Eep!” squeaked Connie as she flinched back, the mixing bowl sloshing perilously close to the counter’s edge before wobbling to a halt. Evading the fish-kiss, Connie threw herself sideways, rolling under a quartet of industrious floating fingers.

The fish continued after Connie while Lapis, who was now hovering several feet off the ground to gain clear lines of sight over the whole kitchen, made exaggerated ‘mwa mwa mwa’ kissing noises.

“Laaapis!” squealed Connie as she made another dodge, then had to leap up onto the window seat to avoid a fish that was altogether too fresh for her tastes.

There was a brief ‘crack’ and then Jasper brushed the shattered walnut remains into a bowl for Peridot’s digits to sift through. “Squirt,” she called out, “Act, don’t react.” She continued her one-finger war against walnut-kind while keeping an appraising eye on Connie’s performance.

Connie, cheeks starting to flush from the surprise exertion, nodded and ran up the stairs to her loft.

The cell phone buzzed a third time, inching marginally closer to the counter’s edge.

“Make Love, not fishsticks!” asserted Lapis as she made a flicking motion with one hand, the sphere shifting directions to continue to chase Connie.

“We’ll be making neither,” Peridot called loudly as she stood like an orchestra director at the center of a hive of coordinated activity. “The menu clearly states we’re having smoked salmon with bagels tomorrow morning and an assortment of dishes that are high in omega-3 fatty acids later in the week… if Lapis managed to catch more than just the one piscine projectile.”

Lapis tsked and swiveled around to address the technician-turned-cook. “Don’t get your appearance modifiers in a knot, P-dot. I’ve got an olympic pool’s-worth of water hovering outside, just full of fishy goodn-aah!”

From the elevated position of her loft Connie had manifested a chain of three horizontal force fields that, with a couple of hops to clear the intervening rafters, allowed her to run across the open Beach House living room. She tackled Lapis out of the air with an exultant cry of ‘Ahah!’

Flapping frantically, Lapis managed to land with only a moderate thud where the floor met the kitchen divider, Connie crushing into her torso with the impact.

“Oof! Geeze, C-” was all Lapis got out before a bowl of pancake batter landed upside down on her head. 

Connie rolled off of Lapis to avoid the splatter of batter and rested with her back against the kitchen divider. A beat later something small and hard bounced off her head, landing in her hand, buzzing.

Peridot ran out of the kitchen with a cry of worry. Her fingers abandoned their culinary tasks and flew to their default positions along her limb enhancers like an angry swarm.

Connie had just glanced down at the display that said ‘ _4 missed texts_ ’ when there was an ‘Aaah!-’ from outside…

...that was abruptly replaced with a tremendous ‘CRASH!’ of water on the porch.

The door exploded inward with a torrent of water and fish; water sluicing through the living room, depositing a flopping carpet of salmon throughout. Lying on his back, eyes wide in shock, was the drenched and prone form of Steven Universe... a tail fin intermittently slapping him on the cheek.

Jasper pounded on the kitchen counter and roared with laughter.

A single fish had hopped down from Connie’s now-wet bed. By the time it was attempting to flop down the stairs, the smoke alarm went off; there was an unattended pancake burning in the skillet. 

Peridot’s meticulously installed fire suppression system engaged, overhead nozzles spraying the entire Beach House interior with thick, white foam. The force fields had already winked out, allowing a flame retardant lather to coat Steven along with a great many bewildered fish.

Somehow, Jasper managed to laugh even harder.

* * *

_* StUn - 07:58am | SNOWDAY! No school!_  
_* StUn - 08:29am | Coming over. Need N-E-thing from BD?_  
_* StUn - 08:37am | btw you have a fish pool hovering outside..._  
_* StUn - 08:38am | That looks really kewl from below!_

* * *

Jasper walked in from her ‘spin dry’ outside, strode over to the warp pad, and disappeared with a chime; off on another of her patrols.

Meanwhile, a damp Connie and soaked Steven stood on a tarp in the middle of a (hopefully) fish-free Beach House as Peridot paced and lectured. 

“Lapis’ hydrokinesis does not cross cellular walls, so the comparatively large amount of fluid inside your body will be left undisturbed. However, the fluid _on_ your body will be affected and her minimal control area is too large to, for example, dry your hair and shirt but not also dry the whole of your face.” 

“To help with the ensuing surface-level desiccation, you’ll find a selection of hydrating products located on the coffee table,” and the Green gem gestured to a basket of eye drops, nasal sprays, dry skin lotion, tubes of lip balm, and bottled water. 

Lapis stepped in from outside and quipped, “You’ll be fine, Pinkie Pie, so don’t sweat it. But if you do, that gets taken care of too.” Meanwhile, a large blob of water-based flame suppression foam was now drifting away on the tide. 

With Lapis at the ready, Peridot finished her speech. “Pinch your nostrils shut and close your eyes, like we discussed. Now, take a deep breath; it is _strongly_ encouraged that you keep your mouth closed until Lapis’ work is complete.”

A few moments later and a mass of water was whisked off of Steven and Connie and sent directly down the sink. Steven’s hair poofed out prodigiously.

Connie wrapped Steven in a blanket --the boy had been shivering from the cold _before_ he’d been washed indoors-- and the pair helped one another at the hydration station. Lapis put away the tarp, then continued drawing water out of the furniture while being vigilant for missed fish. Peridot ignited the wood in the fireplace with a small burst from her cannon, then walked over to address Steven.

“Steven,” asked the Green gem, “do your parental units know you are here?”

“Yes, miss Peridot.”

“And you are not engaged in truancy, correct?”

Steven shot Connie a meaningful stare and wiggled his ears. Connie gave a small nod in response and said, “She wants to know if you’re skipping school.”

Steven gave a slight smile of relief. “Oh, no. School has been cancelled because of all the snow! Is the same true for magician school? I’m hoping Connie can come out and play with me. We can make snow angels and have snowball fights and maybe go sledding down Lighthouse Park because that hill is nuts and-”

“Steven!” Peridot interrupted. “Today is one of free study for Connie but neither she nor you will be engaging in any such tomfoolery. Do you have any idea of the number of illnesses and accidents empirically linked to such activities? Because I do! I have read the actuarial tables.” 

The Gem continued to enumerate the ways in which human frailty was ill-suited to wintertime frivolity. Steven wilted in the face of Peridot’s rant, which was now making frequent use of the phrase ‘tempting natural selection’.

Connie cleared her throat. “With all due respect, Ma’am-”

Peridot drew herself up to her full height and shot them both a commanding look. “You two will sit tight near this indoor combustion pit and warm yourselves with heated beverages. End of Discussion.” With that she walked over to the kitchen and pulled a pair of mugs from a cabinet.

Steven looked at Connie and raised an eyebrow. “Did she just demand we drink cocoa by the fire?”

Connie gave a shrug and a smile. “Yeah. She cares, it’s just delivered at volume and with force.”

Steven chuckled. “There were a couple of times I got pretty sick as a kid but mom and dad were mid-tour so I’d get to stay with Aunt Vidalia for a week or two. She’s normally really chill but she can get kinda the same way when you’re wanting to go play in the forest with Onion instead of getting over chicken pox in bed.”

“She’s the artist, right?” asked Connie, which Steven answered with a nod. “I feel like I’ve heard of her before,” said Connie, looking thoughtful for a moment before shrugging the matter aside.

The girl then turned her attention to the matter at hand. “Okay, Steven, since we’re stuck inside, how about I get the second Spirit Morph book? I really want you to have heard the story in the right order in time for the release of the fifth book.”

 _I still can’t believe he read the whole series out of sequence based on a TubeTube video. The optimal way to experience the Plinkman mystery is NOT to start at_ Destiny’s End, grumped a very perturbed and literate corner of Connie’s thoughts.

“Sure, and I’ll get some comfy blankets and pillows in case we want to build a fort or something. Ooh! Is that your violin?” asked Steven as he pointed to the instrument case visible in the corner of Connie’s loft. “Are you a musician? I think it’s so cool when people can play music! Oh, if I read, you can play some music and it’ll be like we’re putting on a Spirit Morph performance!” enthused the poofy-haired boy.

Connie chuckled. “Yeah, it’s mine. I got into it because of my dad; sometimes we even play duets together. I have been needing to practice more but I have the feeling that if I start here then I’m going to be playing a lot.”

Steven looked a little confused. “Why’s that?”

“Because, as they say,” said Connie waggling her eyebrows, “‘ _violins_ begets _violins_ ,’” then she giggled as Steven groaned loudly.

Once the pair’s laughter died down, Connie looked suddenly thoughtful. “Actually, since your mom gives lessons and both your parents are musicians, do you play any instruments? If we’re going to do a whole musical thing, I don’t want you feeling left out. In fact, given all the stuff in her room, Peridot might actually have some instruments if the violin isn’t your thing.”

Steven suddenly looked like he’d bitten something sour. “I play the ukulele some but I’m not all that good at it. I mean, I know a lot about music theory --how chords and harmonics are supposed to work; how to read sheet music and all that-- but I don’t think I have much actual musical talent.”

He gave a weak smile and gestured toward one of his hearing aids. “I guess I don’t have a good ear for it.”

Feeling the mood drop, Steven swiveled his head around as though physically looking for a new topic to raise. “Sooo, uh… fish!” he exclaimed, causing Connie pause and blink at the emphatic non sequitur.

“Fish?” she asked before she resumed heading up toward her loft.

“Yeah, why does Lapis need a bunch of fish? Wait! Can she talk to fish? Does she protect the oceans? Is she like Aquaman?!” asked Steven as he collected pillows and blankets for their fireside camp.

Connie, who had just pulled a heavily annotated copy of _Welcome to the Wizard Wilds_ off her bedside bookcase, rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “The Crystal Gems protect the entire Earth, which includes the oceans, but Lapis certainly protects the land too. No, she can’t talk to fish and, for the record,” she said, projecting her voice, “her fish impression is lacking too.”

Lapis blew a raspberry from elsewhere in the house.

“The fish are actually for me. Most of the food here comes from a garden of Peridot’s but Lapis brings in seafood too,” explained Connie.

“Oh, neat! My mom has a garden in the backyard. Where’s Peridot’s?”

Connie thought for a second then said, “I don’t know exactly. Somewhere in South America.” She smiled when Steven mouthed ‘the coolest’ at her. 

“I still have to run to the Big Donut for snacks, though,” she added, gathering a few more books and comics into her arms for good measure.

Lapis walked into the living room and spoke up. “Hey, as soon as Peridot figures out how to grow apple fritters and Swedish Fish learn how to swim, I’ll go organic too.”

Lapis then turned and called to the kitchen, “Hey P, you ‘bout ready to go? We’ve got a whole mess of fish to turn into a whole fishy mess, and I can’t do it without your magic fingers.”

Peridot walked out with a tray containing two steaming mugs, an insulated carafe, and two plates of the morning’s extremely-interrupted breakfast. “Nearly so, Laz. Now, Connie, Steven, we’ll be away processing Lapis’ catch for subsequent consumption.” 

She placed the tray near the blankets Steven was arranging and added, “We will be near a warp pad for the whole duration, so if you need either of us then blow on the Warp Whistle I’ve placed here beside the bottled maple extract.”

Lapis smirked and addressed the room, “Anyhoozle, have fun you two and no making out while we’re gone.”

Connie staggered, several books dropping to the floor, and Steven went wide-eyed, blushing to the roots of his hair.

Connie composed herself then said to Lapis, “I tackled you once. I can do it again,” before sticking out her tongue and bending to pick up what she’d dropped.

Lapis laughed at that. “Yeah, that was pretty cool, Con-con. Assault and-” she then turned and motioned to the mixing bowl in the sink, " _batter-y_ in one messy moment." Lapis smiled in appreciation of the others' groans.

She then turned to Steven, waved, and added, “Sorry you got put through the spin cycle earlier.”

Steven chuckled and waved back. “You got all the water off of me, so it’s no problem. Plus, as my Uncle Yellowtail says, ‘Any day worth remembering is a day worth celebrating’ and I’m certainly going to remember today.”

Lapis gave him a big grin as she stepped outside. 

Peridot followed the Blue gem out and gestured with her head. “Come along, Lapis. I don’t want the external temple warp acquiring a persistent piscine odor.” With that, the door was closed and Connie could see the pair of them flying toward the warp pad off the side of the Beach House.

* * *

The plates of breakfast were empty save for syrup remnants and crumbs. The mugs of cocoa were low, though the carafe was still half-full should either teen want a warm and chocolatey pick-me-up. The fire crackled merrily.

“ _Archimicarus flew back to Lisa, a slender silver hair held in his talons. Lisa took it from her faithful familiar and examined it up close. She could smell the faint tang of brine on it and her eyes widened in recognition: a ner-_ neard? Nureed?” read Steven, halting on an unfamiliar word.

Connie had been playing a slow and sombre tune to accompany Lisa and Archimicarus’ time lost in the Forest of the Mad Hierarch. Setting her bow and violin aside, she leaned over to peer at the book.

“Oh, ‘Nereid’. Nerr-EE-id,” Connie explained.

Steven fiddled with his hearing aids a little, then had her repeat it while he did something with his hands.

“Wait, is that sign language?” asked Connie.

Steven looked at his hands as though only just noticing their activity, then rubbed the back of his neck and seemed a little embarrassed. “Oh, yeah. I had a hard time with words when I was little so I was taught to sorta sound them out with my hands while my ears and mouth tried to catch up.”

Connie leaned forward, eyes wide and interested. “That’s really neat! Could you teach me some?”

Steven’s face lit up with a grin. “Sure! Okay, so, uh, let’s see… Uh, if you close your hand like you’re trying to hold a firefly without smooshing it, yeah like that, that’s an ‘A’. Then if you hold your palm up like you want to high five but you move your thumb across, close but put your thumb next to your ring finger, yeah!, that’s a ‘B’.

* * *

“En peru Steven. Nien-, uh, Nienga engirundhu varrienga?” asked the boy, his brow furrowed in concentration.

“That’s really good! But the emphasis is on the first syllable of péru. Here, listen: ‘En péru Connie. Naan Beach City il vasikkiréan.’”

Steven listened carefully, then recited the phrase successfully. Connie clapped.

Standing up Steven looked around with a combination of confusion and mild urgency. “Kazhivarai engéa?”

Connie pointed to the bathroom. “Néraa ponga. Idathu thirumpunga.”

* * *

“You sure you don’t need anything from the fridge?” asked Connie from the kitchen. Steven looked up from his phone and used a finger to wiggle his nose at her, smiling.

Connie walked back from clearing their dishes and started getting settled into her spot by the fireplace. Steven was humming a tune and doing something on the little handheld device.

Suddenly and loudly, Steven looked up and exclaimed ‘OH!’, causing Connie to startle with a small yelp.

“Sorry Connie,” apologized Steven. “It’s just, I remembered that I’ve been learning about you guys in school! I’ve been meaning to tell you but I wanted to do it in person but I kept forgetting about it but I noticed something on my phone a second ago and it reminded me and I got kinda excited,” he said in his characteristic, rapid-fire delivery.

Connie scooched closer so she could see Steven’s phone, her expression a mix of curiosity and mild apprehension. “Oh, wh-what’re they saying about the Crystal Gems?”

“Nothing bad, of course, but I think some of the information came from someone who never actually met you all. See, there’s this special class you have to take once a week if you’re new to Beach City. There’s only me and this kid named Jeff in it, though he’s really nice; he’s really into comic books too so we both bring some each week to trade. I didn’t even know there was a hero named Edgel-”

“Steven!”

“Oh, right,” said Steven a little abashedly. He took a deep breath, then continued, “There’s normal stuff like learning about William Dewey or the Great Fire of Ocean Town. But then there’s them teaching us about situational awareness and that it’s best to run in a zigzag pattern when escaping. That never came up in any of my other schools.”

“So, two weeks ago the mayor visited the class and handed out ‘Vote 4 Dewey’ buttons, glow sticks, forms about, uh, insurance subsidies for our parents to read, and these folded paper thingies,” he said, motioning to the picture of a pamphlet cover on his phone.

Connie leaned forward and could see a picture of the mayor’s face surrounded with stars, and below that pictures of Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and… mom. 

Subconsciously, one of Connie’s hands went to her gemstone and she traced a finger along the facets.

It was obvious these pictures were cut-outs from assorted, old photos and looked to have been copied, poorly, a time or two in the process. The cover read, ‘ _Mayor Dewey Presents: The Magical Ladies of Beach City_ ’, with the phrase ‘ _Vote For Dewey_ ’ printed in a tiny font and sprinkled liberally around the cover.

“He said that there were ladies called The Crystalline Gems who lived on the edge of town and would show up sometimes to, and then he used air quotes for some reason, ‘contain’ any ‘wild animals’ that might cause ‘public disturbances’.” 

“I asked if he was talking about things like that big worm monster at the docks; he said ‘of’ ‘course’ ‘not’ and handed me another glow stick,” continued Steven, chuckling and shaking his head at the mayor’s idiosyncrasies.

He swiped the phone again and Connie could see the interior of the unfolded brochure. From left to right was a page each dedicated to… mom, Lapis, then Jasper and Peridot sharing the final fold together. The pic on Steven’s phone wasn’t of the best quality so Connie could only make out the names and a smattering of the words.

Mom was sitting on the edge of something that was cropped out of the shot, her right foot crossed and her left foot dangling down. She was wearing an outfit Connie had never seen her in before --poofy pants, no shoes, and long sleeves-- and marveling at a butterfly that had alighted on her hand.

' _Citrine: the Leader_ ', was printed beside her picture, the text below containing words like ‘generally safe’, ‘people watching’, ‘sparkles?’, and in bold at the bottom, ‘ **Best left alone.** ’

Lapis was holding a soda up that had been discontinued more than twenty years ago -- _thank you Peridot and Camp Pining Hearts’ product placement for that factoid_ , thought Connie-- and laughing at something.

' _Lupus: the Blue One_ ', and below were words like ‘water’, ‘wet’, ‘sudden rain’, ‘wings’, ‘unattended food’, and in bold at the bottom, ‘ **Best left alone.** ’

Jasper was shown staring down at someone, presumably the photographer, while the tentacles of something cropped out were grappling her upraised forearm. Her other arm was pulled back and preparing to deliver a no-doubt devastating punch to the seized beast.

' _Jaspen: the Tall One_ ', with only the bold text, ‘ **Best left alone.** ’

Peridot was saying something animatedly, wearing a Camp Pining Hearts t-shirt along with alien-patterned boxers, and holding a similarly outdated soda.

' _Pierre: the Fun One_ ', and the bits of text read: ‘robot?’, ‘youth vote’, ‘joking’, ‘duct tape’, ‘Lupus’, ‘clod’, ‘Canadian?’, ‘prankster’ and in bold at the bottom, ‘ **Best left alone.** ’

The final picture was the back of the brochure. It had printed on it the slogan, ‘ _When you see a Gem, remember G-E-M: **G** ive ‘ **E** m roo **M**_ ’, as well as more ‘ _Vote for Dewey_ ’ lines scattered around.

“Neat, huh?” asked Steven once Connie looked up, dumbstruck.

A long silence stretched out between them until she finally exclaimed, “The fun one?!”

* * *

“...so everyone ran onto the tour bus because of all the bees!” Steven said, gesturing boisterously. Connie was gripping her sides, wracked with laughter.

“We had so many people inside, me and dad and Aunt Deb had to eat our Harvest Festival dinners sitting on amps. I was smaller back then but it was still crowded. And Uncle Andy never did get his cool pilot hat back from that raccoon.”

Connie needed some time before her giggle-fit subsided enough for her to respond. “Oh wow, that’s hilarious, Steven!” and she used the sign he’d taught her for applause. 

He brought his hand to his mouth and signed, ‘Thank you,’ then gave a curt bow. 

Connie giggled once more. “Dad made a point of being home for Harvest Festival this year, which was a nice change, but Lapis was still kinda mad at him for making her work at the Big Donut earlier that week so-”

“Wait! Wait! Hold the phone. Now give the phone to me,” interrupted Steven, his eyebrows disappearing into his still extra-poofy curls, “Lapis worked at the Big Donut?!”

“Yeah, she and Peridot were there for a couple of days, actually. See, Lapis had ran up her tab right before a visit my dad made about a month ago. I don’t think they get along really well and dad refused to pay unless she worked off part of her debt. Oh and at one point-” but Connie was stopped by a gesture from Steven.

“A story of this importance shouldn’t be told in a rush. Every little detail, if you please miss,” he said while miming placing a pair of pince-nez glasses on his nose then looking at her intently.

Connie drew herself up straight and nodded respectfully. “I understand: it is unseemly to summarize before a gentleman taking his leisure. Permit me to arrange a chamber piece before I recount the events that transpired at the aforementioned confectionery.”

Connie readied her violin and bow, cleared her throat, then began to play softly.

“Presented for your delectation, esteemed sir, allow me to regale you with a tale I call, ‘ _Little Trouble In Big Donut_ ’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're kicking off the next in a sequence of mini-episodes with _Little Trouble In Big Donut_ , going out on the 19th!
> 
> The Episode 1 revision effort continues: ~~BR42 reports that they expect to have Episode 1, Chapter 2 updated later this week.~~ Episode 1, Chapter 2 has been updated! BR42 says that the chapter has many more changes than the first, above and beyond style tweaks.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Little Trouble In Big Donut

“What do you mean you can’t let us in?” Lapis huffed as she tapped her foot irritably. 

Both Lars and Sadie were standing in the doorway of the Big Donut, barring Connie and the Blue gem from entering. Sadie was looking deadly serious. Lars looked slightly more annoyed than he usually was while at work.

“We cannot allow you to run us dry, Lapis. So unless you’re ready to settle your debt, you are no longer allowed at this establishment,” explained the stocky blonde, arms crossed.

“Can I come in?” asked Connie.

Sadie gave her a sad smile. “Unfortunately, by extension, no.”

Lapis waved dismissively. “Look, Doug pays the bills, I save the world and eat donuts. It’s a simple arrangement, really. And since the world’s still here…” Lapis tried to step between the pair but Sadie moved to intercept.

Lapis glared daggers at Sadie. Sadie stared back impassively.

Connie looked back and forth between the two before asking, “Just how much did you end up taking, Lapis?” 

Lars looked away from the ‘who can catch the other on fire with their mind first’ competition and over to Connie. “She took almost half of our stock over the last couple days. It’s crazy how much you guys eat when you and that robot lady are always going on about watching your tranny fats or whatever.”

Lapis broke eye contact with an eye roll and a huff. Sadie smirked then said, “Trans fats, Lars, and Doug left a note concerning you two’s arrangement.” She then pulled a piece of paper from her pocket, unfolded it, and gave the handwritten note to Lapis.

  
_Dear Lapis,_

_By now you should have learned that I have yet to pay your excessive tab at the local donut shop._

_After seeing what you owed and noticing the surge in charges just before I came to town for Connie’s birthday, I have decided these were not purchases made in good faith._

_As such, I have elected not to pay your tab until I’ve received a full apology from you in addition to a promise not to repeat such profligacy. However, I suspect your pride would never allow this, so I offer you an alternative: a little Earth tradition that we all enjoy._

_Working._

_Sincerely,_  
_Doug_

_P.S. Tell Connie I am sorry she got mixed up in your misdeeds._  


Lapis let out a frustrated growl and crumpled up the piece of paper. She tossed the missive over her shoulder while making a sharp motion with her free hand.

The contents of a nearby puddle flew out and engulfed the crumpled note. Another flick from Lapis and it rocketed away with a whipcrack; everyone save Sadie and Lapis flinched.

It soon vanished over the horizon.

* * *

“Wait a second,” interrupted Steven, “I missed your birthday?! When was it? How was it? What’d you get? What flavor was the cake?”

Connie grimaced and set down her instrument. “November 15th, and it was alright by the end, I guess. Dad and I had a talk over dinner that was really good, but not what I’d call ‘fun’. Let’s just say, more Sandwich of Destiny than I wanted to eat on my birthday.” 

Steven nodded sympathetically as Connie continued. “Also, a stuffed animal, a GAL figurine, and my new cell phone, which is pretty cool, especially since Peridot hasn’t gotten around to rebuilding the house phone. Oh, and dad and I did split a big slice of tiramisu cake over dinner.”

Satisfied, Steven wrapped himself up snug in his blanket and looked up expectantly. Connie chuckled and continued.

* * *

Lapis had stormed away… literally, with a sudden and very localized deluge pouring from the thick clouds overhead.

It was two days later when the gem said authoritatively she was going for a donut. Connie and Peridot followed to ensure no one was drowned in the attempt. And for the first time in two days, the heavy rain over the Big Donut stopped.

Still wearing her rain poncho and galoshes, Sadie met the three at the door. “If you are ready to start paying off your debt, come in and follow me.”

Once inside Peridot addressed Sadie, saying, “I think I would like to assist Lapis in this, uh, punative activity. I sampled some of the wares in question and so feel it is only right that I share in the sentence.”

Lapis shot Peridot a smile. Sadie shrugged. Lars was already out the door.

“You guys are going to be working here for a few days to make back the money you owe. First,” and she walked behind the counter and pulled out two official, Big Donut collared shirts, “you’ll need to put these on. Company policy.”

Peridot held the shirt at arm’s length, looking at the flared out shape of her limb enhancers then back to the narrow opening for the sleeves, an eyebrow raised skeptically.

Lapis gave the shirt an appraising look then said, “Thanks, but I'm not putting that on my body.”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “It’s not up for debate.” She shoved the shirt into Lapis’ arms, turned, and began to walk towards the back of the store, motioning for the others to follow her. “I’ll need you both to sit through the training video to ensure you know everything before I let you run the Big Donut. Again, company policy.”

Lapis looked unsettled by this. “Run the-?! Even I think that’s a terrible idea and I have lousy judgement.”

Sadie sighed. “Look, it’s over the Harvest Festival break; frankly the only customers we usually see during that time are you lot. Plus, you’ll do the job or you’ll never have another piece of proper junk food in this town ever again.”

* * *

“I’m confused,” said Steven, calling a halt to Connie’s story. “Can’t Lapis, like, fly faster than sound and use those warp thingies to go anywhere? I mean, the Big Donut is great but…”

Connie nodded and gave a ‘what can you do’ shrug. “I asked her about that at one point. The gist of her argument was that she shouldn’t have to, and I quote, ‘flit across eight time zones and deal with a bunch of rubes who’ve never seen a flying blue chick before just to get something fried or loaded with high fructose corn syrup’. She then said some weird gem-swear that scandalized Peridot into chasing me out of the room.”

Steven bit his lip, then looked around in a poor attempt at nonchalance. “So… what does a gem-swear sound like? I mean, so I know not to say it around the others, of course,” he dissembled unconvincingly.

Connie giggled and rolled her eyes. “If you must know, she said, ‘shatter that sideways with a rusty injector drill.’”

Steven blinked. “...Huh.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it either. Anyway…”

* * *

Lapis and Peridot walked out of the back room wearing their new shirts, although the sleeves on Peridot’s were badly stretched out.

Lapis looked a little numb while Peridot was idly humming the melody of the Big Donut training video: _Do or Do Nut_. Connie had left for the Beach House less than ten minutes into the video, muttering something about, “If I wanted this much camp, I’d go live in a tent.”

Sadie walked to the door with her rain poncho wadded up under one arm, galoshes squeaking on the floor. At the threshold she turned, withdrew the store’s key from a pocket, and tossed it Lapis. The Blue gem caught it on reflex, then flinched, dropping it on the counter as though burned on contact with the symbol of responsibility.

Sadie rolled her eyes. “Look, do your job, keep Wilford fed, don’t try and steal the donuts, _again_ ,” and she fixed Lapis with a gimlet-eyed stare, “and this whole debacle will be over in a couple of days. I _will_ be reviewing the security cam footage so don’t think you can run amok while I’m gone.”

Without waiting to hear their response, Sadie opened the door, ‘ding!’, and walked off through the slowly drying puddles outside.

“I still can’t believe the female confectionist managed to jump kick that glazed cruller out of your hand earlier,” said Peridot, storing the key in a compartment within a limb enhancer.

“Yeah, well, humans, they're full of surprises,” said Lapis before crossing her arms in a pout and adding, “though catching it out of the air with a napkin was just showboating.”

Lapis drummed her fingers on the counter, sighing slightly as she ran her eyes over the shop area. She noticed one of the security cams embedded in a ceiling tile, then quirked her lips into a small smile. “Ya know, Periwinkle-”

“No.”

Lapis looked taken aback. “But I haven’t even asked yet.”

Peridot sighed and rounded on her coworker. “Laz, I’ve been on Earth with you in excess of five hundred solar rotations. I know to at least a first approximation what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, I will not compromise the primitive surveillance equipment within this establishment.”

Lapis gave a mischievous smile. “Ah, come on! Remember thirty years ago when those cheesy hacker movies were all the rage? You used to do stuff like that for a laugh. You even invented an alias!”

“‘Dot Matrix’,” she said, gesturing broadly and making jazz hands.

“Dot Matrix, who changed that old dial-up service company’s website logo to read ‘S-O-L.’” 

“Dot Matrix, who made that rogue satellite broadcast Homeworld’s coordinates along with the message, ‘Right here, you pebbles!’ to SETI.” 

“Dot Matrix, who had a record in the FBI’s mainframe until she sliced in and deleted it… from a busted pay phone!”

“You were a renegade. You were a prankster _par excellence_. You were a blast!”

Peridot had a nostalgic smile on her face as Lapis gave her a friendly poke on the shoulder. “Eh? Eh? I bet Miss Matrix could make short work of those cameras. Wanna turn this probation into a catered vacation? It’ll be like that time at-”

Something Lapis said caused Peridot to recoil, her expression suddenly pained. “No, Lapis! Dot Matrix hung up her slicing rig and eight thousand baud modem more than a decade ago. Besides, you provoked Doug deliberately and the currency you were wasting, I might add, was intended to support Connie."

She gave Lapis a pleading look and added, "Just… just endure a few shifts of superfluous capitalistic subservience and be done with it.”

Lapis clenched and unclenched her fists, various beverages throughout the room stirring in their containers, before swiveling on her heel and marching towards the back of the shop. “I’mma go take a nap. Cover for me.”

Peridot looked at Lapis, momentarily surprised, before calling back. “Wait! Lapis!” protested Peridot before adding a resigned, ‘aaah wingnuts.’ Then she noticed the expanding pool of cola dribbling out of the soda machine. “Man… I don’t get paid enough for this,” she said to no one.

* * *

Peridot was in the process of arranging the display pastries in descending caloric order when she heard ‘Mayor Dewey ~ Mayor Dewey’ warbling out of van-mounted speakers. Soon enough the door chimed and a pointy-nosed man with receding hair and a suit walked in.

Peridot straightened up and addressed the customer in the chipper manner prescribed in the lyrical training propaganda. “Good day sir or madam, how might I be of assistance today?”

The man looked down from the overhead menu and jumped, startled. “Hey, you’re one of those magical ladies! Yeah, you’re Pierre,” he exclaimed, pointing a digit at her; the slight uptick in body temperature and pupil dilation indicating an incipient fight-or-flight response.

Peridot held her touch stumps up in a calming manner and affected a disarming smile. “You are mistaken, valued customer. I am only a menial here to facilitate your satisfactory transactional experience. Might I recommend something from the ‘gambling against heart disease’ section?” she added with a gesture to the cream-filled donuts, apple fritters, and maple bars.

The man wearing the social dominance noose made a five point scan of the area for some reason then seemed to master his autonomic fear reflex. “Okay, I’m holding an early Harvest Festival party for my security detail, so I’ll be needing a dozen glazed and chocolate donuts each as well as a twelve-pack of pop.”

Peridot nodded. “That’s one ‘party’ order of donuts at $20.99 as well as the vernacular term for carbonated soft drink at $3.99. Applying the 6% sales tax, that comes to a sum of $26.48, rounded up. I’m sure your Quartz-equivalents will quite enjoy ingesting this bounty.”

As the man was pawing at his clothing in search of his billfold, Lapis walked out looking annoyed. “Hey, some of us are trying to sleep on the job here. Who’s the dip blaring their speakers right outside the shop?”

“Lupus?! You’re here too?” the man observed most unnecessarily.

Lapis squinted at the human, then said, “Wait, you’re William Dewey’s great-great-great-great-grandson, aren’t you? Well that explains a lot.”

Looking flustered but having finally found his currency storage flap, the city-founder’s progeny placed $25 on the counter. He then added a card identifying the holder as under the direct employ of the ruling body and thus exempt from sales taxes.

“I believe you’ll find the taxes can be waived. You can, uh, keep the change,” he stated, and then proceeded to pull a beverage cylinder from the collection and fiddle with the leverage applicator at the top.

“I’m sorry but your payment has not been tendered in full. The instructional video home system recording was quite explicit: tax exemption only pertains to non-prepared foods. Your potables apply but not your baked goods.” 

Tapping a few buttons on her limb enhancer, a hologram appeared near the man helpfully showing the balance owed. “Your adjusted total would thus come to $26.24. Please take some napkins, however, as they are always free.”

He opened the container and was immediately doused by a carbon dioxide-propelled jet of liquid, possibly a result of Lapis’ previous agitation-induced agitation. He sputtered, wiped the excess from his eyes, then objected with, “This is ridiculous! Where’s Dante’s boy and, uh, Sandy?”

“They are not in attendance, esteemed consumer, and I assure you the corporate by-laws are quite unambiguous,” answered Peridot.

At that same moment, Lapis was fingering the highly-telescopic vessel she wore on her hip. She shot the aspiring buyer a glare and remarked, “Hey, today’s the day no one’s getting what they want, so why don’t you just cough up the buck twenty-four, Billy.”

The man blanched, hastily added the necessary amount, and grabbed the purchase, spilling the remains of his drink entirely.

He then departed with haste, repeating the phrase, ‘Give ‘em room’ for reasons unknown.

“What a peculiar public official,” observed Peridot.

“Yeah, some people are just plain rude,” said Lapis, glaring at the rapidly-departing van.

Peridot looked at the Blue gem, mouth opening and closing silently before she shook her head and left to retrieve the cleaning supplies.

* * *

Connie set down the violin and took a moment to get a drink of some cocoa. Steven had been listening to her story lying on his belly, elbows on the floor, head propped up in his hands. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the rafters overhead.

“You know what would’ve been funny? If he’d grabbed the donuts and left and Lapis chased after him. It could be like that old Looney Toons show and every time Mayor Dewey opens a door there’s Lapis there saying something like,” and he adopted a mumbly, low-energy voice, “‘That’ll be $1.24, sir.’”

Connie laid down on her back nearby. Firelight was reflecting off her gem and onto the ceiling, making a flickering, yellowish swirl of light and shadow above. “I think the actual chase would be much shorter and wetter than that, but yeah, if anyone were to go full Looney Tunes, it’d be Lapis.”

“Okay, okay, okay, hear me out,” said Steven, gesticulating overhead, “So Lapis is alternately Droopy and Bugs Bunny, Jasper can be Pepé Le Pew and that bull that wins against all the bullfighter guys-”

“What?!” interrupted Connie as she turned on her side and propped herself up with her arm. “The matador-fighting bull I can see, but the lovesick skunk?! Defend your thesis, sir,” she said with mock-seriousness.

“It’s not a perfect fit, but she’s a real person and not just a cartoon,” he said, looking thoughtful. “Anyway, you don’t see her as being the quiet, romantic type? The sort that would follow someone across mountains and down a cliff and through busy traffic? I dunno, I just get that vibe off her, I guess.”

He was quiet for a moment, then smiled and added, “Besides it was that or the big, orange, hairy monster that chased Bugs around that castle, and that seemed mean or insensitive or-” he blinked and held a hand up to block a light that was shining in one of his eyes. Squinting, he turned over and saw that the light reflecting off Connie’s gemstone happened to be catching him in the face.

“Hey Connie, you’re kinda flashing me,” he said.

Connie looked shocked, followed his gaze to her gem, then sat up, blushing fiercely. “Oh, s-sorry ‘bout that,” she said, wrapping herself in a protective layer of blankets.

Steven blinked, confused for a moment before his eyes went wide. “Oh geeze… I think this is when Lars would normally yell out, ‘Phrasing!’ Do you have some kinda magical power for undoing stupid word choice?”

Connie couldn’t help but chuckle. “Steven, think back to how well our first conversation went, then consider that question again.”

Steven laughed. A moment later Connie’s awkwardness lost the battle against Steven’s unrelenting cheeriness and she joined in too. After the air was well and truly cleared, Connie said, “You know, we never did think of what characters would be appropriate for Peridot.”

Steven, sitting up, rubbed his chin in thought. “Maybe Marvin the Martian mashed up with Wile E. Coyote? I mean, he’s always building neat stuff and his business card does say ‘Super Genius.’”

Connie considered that while she rosined her bow and readied her instrument once more. “Peridot as Wile E. Coyote? I dunno, that seems kinda far-fetched.”

* * *

“Yes!”  
“No!”  
“Yeees!”  
“Nooo!”  
“No!”  
“Ye- Wait, what?” said a suddenly-confused Peridot, standing between Lapis and the door to the display case.

“Ha! What a maroon! Now come here you wascally donut!” exclaimed Lapis as she tried to shoulder Peridot aside, not quite able to reach her prize.

On the sly, one of Lapis’ water wings popped out and tapped Peridot on the shoulder. While the Green gem looked over, distracted, Lapis was able to wriggle past her and grab a fruit-filled donut from within.

Swiveling back around, Peridot saw Lapis wing back a few feet, her donut held high. With a self-satisfied smirk, Lapis said, “Eh, What’s up, Dot?”

Peridot scowled and pointed an accusing finger at the gem. “You're despicable. Don’t you dare eat that gelatin-injected pastry,” demanded Peridot.

“I’ll do what I want, P-dot. You and Doug and little miss ‘real karate chop action’ don’t get to stop me,” asserted Lapis as she pretended to polish the donut on a sleeve then hold it out and admire it.

“Ugh! How are you simultaneously the oldest being on this planet and among the least mature?!”

“Maybe ‘cause, unlike some people, I didn’t hunt down and bubble my sense of fun,” she said, punctuating the statement with an eye roll before raising the donut to her lips.

Peridot lunged forward, ten floating fingers flying out, ensnaring the snack, and attempting to rip it from the Blue gem’s grasp.

Lemon filling exploded outward, coating both gems, a swath of counter, and much of the surrounding walls.

For a moment there was silence save for inoffensive Muzak and the distant chirping of a canary.

Lapis mopped her face with her hands and slung the excess at Peridot. “What Ruby told you that was a bright idea?!”

A finger floated up and, engaging its squeegee subroutine, wiped a rectangle of visor clean. Peridot’s angry eyes shown underneath. “The same one you let pilot your impulse control, you big, blue CLOD!”

With sudden intensity, there was a torrent of rain outside. “What’d you call me, you pebble?”

Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air and paced angrily in a tight circle. “Oh, not this again! This isn’t the Lunar Sea Spire, Lapis! It’s a donut! If you keep doubling down like this, the whole eastern seaboard will be washed away before you and Doug have finished butting heads.”

Lapis, as though in competition with Peridot, gesticulated just as grandly and retorted, “Yeah? Well, at least I’m consistent. You used to be awesome! But you turned into this nervous, green killjoy who’s obsessed with nutrition and safety!”

One of Peridot’s eyes twitched a little before she gestured to a brilliant yellow splatter. “GEE, I WONDER WHAT CAUSED **THAT** CHANGE TO TRANSPIRE?!” Peridot bellowed, her every word dripping sarcasm and her every movement dripping lemon filling.

* * *

“How do you know all this?” asked Steven, staring up at Connie with soulful eyes.

“I reviewed the security footage with Sadie afterwards. Dad wanted to do it but he wasn’t available and Sadie isn’t allowed to email it to him, so I volunteered,” explained Connie.

Steven shook his head. “I mean, it doesn’t happen often but sometimes mom and dad will have a big argument over something and they’ll think I’m asleep and they’ll usually be all giggly and flirty the next morning, but it’s kinda scary when it’s happening. This kinda reminds me of that.”

Connie sat down with a thud, a look of uncertainty on her face as she tried to process Steven’s remark. She set her violin aside, then blinked a few times. Steven scooted over to her and put his arm over her shoulder, pulling her in for a one-handed hug. She smiled, reached up to gave his hand a squeeze, and leaned into his shoulder.

Silhouetted in the firelight, the pair sat there in companionable silence, content to comfort and be comforted.

A minute or two later Connie blew out a long, slow breath and withdrew from Steven’s side. She readied her instrument once more, shot him a grateful smile, and resumed. “Funny you should mention ‘giggly and flirty’...”

* * *

The rain tapered off quickly until there was only the dripping of the blue and pink window canopies.

Peridot, splattered and indignant, stared directly at Lapis as if daring the Blue gem to correct her.

Lapis fidgeted with her certainly-no-longer-new shirt, unable to look Peridot in the eyes.

“Peri, I, uh, I didn’t think-”

“No, you didn’t, Lapis,” interjected Peridot. “Your finer qualities are numerous but forethought is rarely counted among them.”

Lapis looked at Peridot and gave a weak smile. “Hey P-pod, you got a little something there,” she said gesturing to her cheek. Peridot wiped, revealing a patch of green beneath the all-encompassing yellow.

Lapis took a step closer to the gem. “Little here as well,” and she gestured to her other cheek, her grin widening.

Wipe. More yellow removed, more green displayed. Another step. “Oh, and up here too,” rubbing at her forehead.

Peridot cleared the upper portion of her visor, revealing the gemstone underneath. Lapis took another step; the pair were face to face.

“Wouldn’tcha know it,” breathed Lapis, “you missed a spot right…” and she traced a blue finger along the line of Peridot’s chin, causing the gem to tilt her head up slightly.

“Here,” she whispered as she leaned in and kissed Peridot lightly on the lips.

* * *

“Really?” asked Steven, eyes huge and hopeful, wringing the blanket in his hands.

Connie cracked an impish grin and said, “Nah. Right as Lapis was leaning in, Peridot smashed a glob of donut bits into her face and said, ‘Boop! Boop! Donut-gram!’”

Steven fell over backwards, alternately laughing and groaning. Eventually he raised a fist and shook it at the ceiling. “Once more my trusting nature and love of romantic endings gets the better of me.”

Connie giggled and made consoling noises. “If it makes you feel any better, they have been a lot more pleasant around each other than in past weeks. Months? A while, certainly. Anyway, to wrap things up…”

* * *

Lapis staggered back, shocked. Then she guffawed, clutching her sides and laughing. Peridot was quick to join in.

“Contrary to popular opinion, my wry sense of humor merely bides its time for the optimal moment to strike,” said the Green gem, leaning against the messy countertop and chuckling.

“Oh, you-you really got me good there, P,” said Lapis, smiling hugely and wiping, among other things, tears from her eyes. She then looked at herself and her surroundings and added, “I don’t suppose Dot Matrix is ready for a comeback too. No? Then I guess we should clean this mess up.”

* * *

With floating digits and copious hydrokinesis, the pair managed to restore the Big Donut's interior to pristine condition with swift efficiency.

True to Sadie’s words, the rest of the shift passed without a single customer.

For the most part the pair were busy sketching out plans for a new line of meep-morps involving, among other things, the artistic use of splatter patterns. They cracked jokes and made questionable use of office supplies, but no more than Lars and Sadie did on a slow day.

No further donuts were unlawfully harmed.

* * *

“And the rest of their shifts were pretty routine. Sadie later said she’d write up the exploded donut as part of the day’s shrinkage allowance,” finished Connie, ending with the fanfare of ‘Shave and a Haircut’ on her violin.

“So no kissing and no more wacky hijinks?” asked Steven, still looking a touch disappointed.

Connie began setting her violin back in its case but stopped. “Actually, there was an impromptu rave when, uh, Onion’s brother and some of his friends stopped by,” said Connie who then reached up and wiggled an ear at Steven.

Still lying down, Steven smiled and began signing at her.

“S-O-U-R C-R, oh yeah! Sour Cream. Yeah, Peridot rigged up his sound mixer-handheld game thingy to the shop’s speakers. Ironically, Peridot’s nothing special at the Robot but really good at the Charleston. Anyway-” but the conversation was cut abruptly short when the warp pad chimed.

Jasper stepped off, holding an enormous, snow-covered maul with a gemstone set in the head. The air suddenly had a sweet, floral aroma to it.

“Coool,” breathed Steven after hastily scrambling into an upright position.

Jasper looked at him, blinked, shook her head slightly, then nodded to Connie.

“You went back there? Was it-” Connie started to ask.

“Still destroyed. No sign of activity around the wreckage,” answered the large gem. She then quirked a small smile and added, “You did good work.”

Jasper looked around the Beach House, then strode over to the window seat and gingerly set the massive hammer down on the floor beside. “For Lapis,” was all the explanation she gave before disappearing through the temple doors.

“Whaaat was that about?” asked Steven, eyes wide and starry with scarcely contained excitement.

Connie blushed a little and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind one ear. “Oh, well, while Lapis and Peridot were finishing out their Big Donut stint, I, uh, went on a mission with Jasper.”

“Was there an ancient temple?” asked Steven sitting up straight.  
“Yes, actually,” said Connie, smiling.  
“A maze with traps?”  
“Um, yes, and definitely yes.”  
“Secret passages?!” squeaked Steven, knees pulled up to his chin, expression, rapt.  
“Does a hidden chamber count?”  
“YES!”  
“Oh, then yeah.”  
“Oh-my-gosh-youmustTELLME **EVERYTHING**!” Steven practically shouted, quivering with excitement.

“Okay, but I’m taking a break from the violin for now. This next story begins with a tale of tragedy. You see, me and the gems had all gone to Funland Amusement Park…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got a special treat for everyone: we're releasing our [Connie Swap Omake collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23628408). Each chapter of this fic will be its own stand-alone bit of extra content. It may not all (or even mostly) be canon, but it will all be worth checking out.
> 
> The first piece going up is entitled _Citrine's Room_ and was written by BR42 as a way to limber up their writing muscles in anticipation of taking a more active role on the writing team with Episode 3.
> 
> And we're very excited to say that we have guest author [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) writing an omake that should be going up before too long. Seriously, we've read over the draft and it's _really good_.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Come back here next week for the next mini-episode, _Critical Connie_ , going out on the 26th!
> 
> The Episode 1 revision effort will be wrapping up later this week when the last chapter of Episode 1 is completed. Look forward to that; expect a note posted on this chapter to announce when the revised chapter is up.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Critical Connie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there is a related omake story you might want to check out:  
> [Still and Silent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23849106) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9) \- "As Connie struggles to find her sword again, Jasper shows her a secret technique from a time long ago."

Harold Smiley was manning the ring toss and trying to dodge the interest payment on his sleep debt. The coffee and snack food helped, but not as much as the ever-present threat of Onion-induced arson.

 _Maybe if I substitute road salt on the pretzels, I can pay for Jane to come in another day of the week. Then I can finally see what the back of my eyelids have been getting up to. I mean, if you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel figuratively, may as well scrape for real too!,_ he thought, eyeing the large barrels of salt used to keep the park grounds snow and ice free.

His stomach audibly reminded him that he’d worked through his lunch yet again. _Well, time to eat into my bottom line,_ he joked to himself, bringing a purloined pretzel to his mouth, then pulling a face at the flavor. _Huh, maybe I’d be better off using the pretzels to salt the grounds inst-_

He was pulled from his inner quippery by the buzzing of his pager. Unclipping it from his belt and rubbing his eyes, he squinted at the tiny display that read in blocky letters, ‘J: Rainbow Alert!’

Muttering, Harold took one last look around for smallish pyromaniacs, eyed the pretzel before thinking better of it, then stepped out of the booth.

The large man headed off toward the ticketing kiosk at a brisk jog, salt and slush crunching with each heavy footfall.

* * *

Harold gave Jane his omnipresent smile, ushered her out of the way, and squeezed inside the ticket stand. 

_Rainbow Alert indeed. We got the full line-up: Prop Comic, Straight Man, Slapstick, and Stage Fright. I think I can hear my insurance premiums going up just looking at them,_ he thought while saying to the group, “What can I do for you ladies today?”

Prop Comic, _green and with her gizmos on hand, HA!_ , cleared her throat. “As I informed your juvenile hireling, we’d like admittance for three seniors and one minor.”

“Seniors? I’ll need to see ID for that; the only one of you who looks any older is Miss Princess there. Hope it was a happy birthday, by the way,” Harold delivered, giving the girl a wink and getting a wince in return.

Slapstick, _the blue heckler of the group_ , rolled her eyes. “Exactly how many crayon-colored immortals do you get through here, Smilington?”

Without waiting for a response, she turned and pointed at the others in sequence. “Glam Rock back there is older than Uruk, Shamrock has been on Earth since before Shakespeare, and I’m older than both combined. I’d let you carbon date me but you’d have to buy me dinner first,” and she gave Harold a wink.

She then ruffled Stage Fright’s hair and added, “and this gal just became a teenager; we’re trying for a fun family outing before all the brooding kicks in,” causing Stage Fright to wave Slapstick off with a mild cry of protest.

“I tell ya what, how ‘bout I give ya each a free pretzel with admission, being the distinguished guests you all are?” said Smiley, mentally adding, _‘cause if anything’ll get the color guard gone sooner, it’s those_.

Prop Comic scowled. “Why would a salt-crusted bread puzzle-” but she was cut off by Slapstick, who shouldered her way in front and, like an auctioneer, cried, “Sold!”

* * *

Most of the rides were shut down during the icier months of winter, but Smiley would haul out from storage what he called the ‘Winter Funderland’ attractions to keep the crowds from thinning.

He stood outside of one of them now, _Lemmy Koopa’s Level 6 Bouncy Ice Castle_. A goofy looking turtle-man with a mohawk was depicted mid-bounce on the sides; for reasons Harold didn’t understand this made it a favorite with the son of Vidalia’s that wasn’t a little firebug.

“Shoes are off?” asked Harold. Stage Fright nodded up at him. “Well then, right this way. You have fun now,” he replied as he stepped aside and gestured to the bouncy entrance.

He then turned back to see the rest of Rainbow Alert approaching. Eyes wide, the large man put up his hands and said, “Sorry, but you all are too big to go on here. See,” and he gestured to a cartoon bulldog wearing winter clothes that was holding a sign that said, ‘YOU MUST BE THIS ~~TALL~~ SHORT TO RIDE.’ 

Stage Fright, meanwhile, bounced off a wall and shouted ‘Wooo!’, the structure shimmying in response.

Slapstick, pretzel bits and salt crystals sprinkling the front of her outfit, turned and waggled her eyebrows at Straight Man. “Whaddya say, J, wanna Connie-size it?”

Straight Man gave a hint of a smile and nodded her assent.

“Woo! Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of Con-con!” exclaimed Slapstick as she fist bumped Straight Man.

In a blur of light, both shrunk and resized until two curiously colored Stage Frights stood before Mr. Smiley. The girl with a gem for a nose looked up at him with a commanding silence.

“I find that deeply _funsettling_ but I’ll allow it. You’ll have to take off your shoes though,” he said addressing the orange one. There was a _glimmer_ and she stood barefoot.

“Weehehe!” called Stage Fright-Classic as the others joined in. Harold looked at Prop Comic expectantly, but she was too busy glaring and muttering at the others to notice. Three uneaten pretzels hung from a finger hovering horizontally over her shoulder.

 _A lime that salty belongs on a margarita_ , observed Harold. _What does that make Straight Man... the designated_ piledriver? _Hey, I should write that one down!_

* * *

_Wow, Jasper is really getting into this,_ thought Connie. 

Her orange doppelgänger had begun chuckling, then laughing outright, all while bouncing higher and higher.

Lapis shot Connie a look, motioned with her eyes to Jasper, then broke into a big grin. “I don’t think I’ve seen the big lug this happy since your mom and I talked her into sitting in on a hockey match.”

Overhead Jasper, gravelly voice totally at odds with her appearance, laughed in delight.

Connie bounced harder, coming up to maybe a fifth the height Jasper was making, then turned back to Lapis. “Why’s she all giddy? I’ve seen her dive down cliffs higher than that.”

The blue Connie did a mid-air flip, landed, then launched higher than Connie was capable. She then ricocheted off two walls back-to-back, and resumed bouncing alongside Connie. “Take it from someone who’s had the inside scoop-,” then the pair parted for a moment.

“weeeEEEEEEeeee!” exclaimed Jasper as she landed powerfully and launched well above the top of the castle.

“-Tigger there loves flying but never could get the hang of shapeshifting into something with working wings. And ride-alongs with me or Peridot don’t count. Oh, incoming!” and the pair once more had to separate to give the orange missile room for another blast-off.

Connie did a small flip, but heard Peridot yell at her about possibly breaking her neck. Lapis rolled her eyes on Connie’s behalf.

“Couldn’t you, I don’t know, fly her to the Moon or something so she could go all ‘Moon Girl’ up there?” asked Connie.

“Naw, even if I did pull a Sinatra it wouldn’t help. Gems automatically adjust to local gravity. Jasper would probably lose air trying to jump with _The Little Prince_ ; she’d be better off playing hopscotch on Neptune. This here is about as good as it gets," explained Lapis.

The Blue gem then glanced up and said, "Now, if you’ll excuse me for a sec,” then launched herself way, way up.

The orange and blue pair high fived as one ascended and the other descended.

Connie laughed and offered Jasper the same, but was wholly ignored by the air-loving Quartz.

The girl frowned. _Ya know, it’s not particularly flattering to be the least capable version of yourself._

* * *

Steven, who had been squeezing his blanket in an ever tightening grip, startled Connie by suddenly erupting with, “Oh-my-goodness-I-have-soMANY **QUESTIONS**!”

Recomposing herself, Connie sat down on a pillow and said in Tamil, “Mannikkanum,” while gesturing for him to proceed.

Steven gave her a nod and then launched into it. “Okay, okay, first, could Lapis and Jasper just _be_ in space? Wouldn’t they, I don’t know, run out of air, then freeze and explode?” and he imitated an explosion for added clarity.

Connie laughed. “No, gems, well, full gems don’t have to breathe and most pressures or temperatures don’t really bother them. That’s why Lapis never wears shoes even in the snow, and how Jasper can patrol the ocean floor.”

She looked a little less excited and added, “But I get hot and cold like you and I absolutely couldn’t survive in space without a pressurized space suit.”

Steven gave a sympathetic nod and began counting on his fingers. “Two: could Lapis actually fly to the Moon? That doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you could, uh, flap to.”

Connie took a sip of room temperature cocoa before speaking. “I’m simplifying, mind you, but Peridot says Lapis’ wings do something funny with space-time that allow her to fly even when there’s no air for her to be gaining lift from.”

Steven went wide-eyed at that. “Coool! She’s like a warp drive or something!” A moment of contemplating space travel later, he shook his head and held up a third finger. “Oh yeah, why didn’t Peridot join in?”

Connie grimaced. “She tends to get kinda cranky whenever Lapis or Jasper shapeshift. She claims it’s ‘an insult to one’s intended form’ and ‘a significant use of energy compared to the output.’ So she refuses to do it. I don’t really understand, but then I can’t shapeshift at all so I’m not really in a position to say one way or another.”

“Ah, well maybe we could draw some pictures of you shapeshifting and it’ll be something you could focus on to help you in your destiny training,” suggested Steven.

He then pointed to himself. “I’d totally go seagull, that way you can fly aaand you get all the free boardwalk snacks you want,” said Steven, speaking so earnestly Connie couldn’t help but smile.

“Okay, I see what you mean. However, if I went with a bird I think I’d go with an ostrich. They can run over forty miles an hour and are feared throughout the animal kingdom for both their aggression and their powerful kick. Plus,” and she and Steven spoke in unison, “the ostrich knights of _The Unfamiliar Familiar_!”

Steven smiled triumphantly at their synchronicity. The pair spared a moment for further giggles.

Recomposed, Steven held up a fourth finger and asked, “And when did all this happen? ‘Cause Lapis and Peridot aren’t acting all ‘after the parent fight’...”

“This was about a week before they worked at the Big Donut,” answered Connie.

“Oh, okay. Last one and then you can get back to your story. So, how do you know all the stuff that Mr. Smiley was doing when you weren’t there? And what he was thinking? Wait! Can you read thoughts? Do you know mind karate?! I-If you know what I’ve been thinking th-then, uh-” but he was cut off by Connie making reassuring gestures.

“It’s okay, Steven. I was just extemporizing for the sake of the story.” She paused. “Uh, why? What were you worried about?” she asked, sitting back on her heels and looking at the older boy.

“NOTHING! Nothing at all!” and he hastily stuffed a handful of marshmallows into his mouth, then took a sudden interest in the hardwood floor.

* * *

The girl frowned. _Ya know, it’s not particularly flattering to be the least capable version of yourself._

Craning her neck up Connie shouted to her color-coded counterparts, “Guys? Guys! Uh, I think Mr. Smiley is giving us the ‘knock it off’ glare. Do you think you two could-

“Bounce you into next week? Sure thing!” cried Lapis as she and Jasper landed on either side of her, the depression of their impact catching Connie at just the right moment to then hurl her twenty, thirty feet and higher. 

Screaming in a mix of surprise, thrill, and instinctive fear, Connie looked down to see Lapis and Jasper being engulfed in the rapidly deflating mass that was Lemmy’s no-longer-bouncy Ice Castle.

That realization certainly altered the surprise/thrill/fear ratio of Connie’s wail.

 _OkayokayokayokayGottaTimethisjuuustOOF_ , thought a frantic corner of Connie’s mind. 

She managed to summon a horizontal force field just after she reached the apex of her unintended ascent. She landed splayed out with the wind knocked out of her.

 _Focusfocusfocusfocus_ , she mentally recited while gasping for breath, doing her best to try and will the force field into persisting.

It wasn’t until Peridot soared up and grabbed her that Connie allowed a grumpier corner of her mind to pipe up with, _Why can’t I have floaty powers or something instead? Stupid destiny!_

* * *

“You all are receiving a lifetime ban from Funland Amusement Park! Exit stage right and don’t stop ‘til you’ve left!” yelled an incensed Mr. Smiley. They were promptly escorted out of the park.

* * *

“Nooo!” cried Steven.

The boy had gotten up to put more wood on the fire and so was able to dramatically sink to his knees. “Not a lifetime ban!? I was gonna- and we could- then when it was summer- and on the ferris wheel I thought-”

“Steven!” interrupted Connie. “I mean, I was upset too but… Are you going to be alright?” she asked, concern and confusion writ across her face.

“You’re right, we’ll just practice on that shapeshifting you were talking about. Connie might be banned, but not Lord Stefan and his ostrich steed! Do you think an ostrich is allowed on the rides?” he asked, then, before Connie could answer, powered ahead, “Oh, maybe I could take out my hearing aids and you could be my assistance ostrich, or _ossistrich_ , if you will. Oh wait, we’ll just do the old ‘two kids in a trenchcoat’ thing. Of course!”

Connie looked at Steven skeptically. “Full points for the portmanteau, but I think it’ll take more than a trenchcoat to get Mr. Smiley to let me in. I… I’m sorry about the ban, Steven.”

Steven sniffed and nodded in sad acceptance. “I think I just need a minute, is all.” 

In an uncharacteristic act, Steven sat quiet and a little melancholy for the full sixty seconds.

* * *

Lapis, looking like herself once more, blew a raspberry then called over her shoulder, “I’m keeping the pretzels!”

Peridot, meanwhile, had a single digit tapping her chin. “Is it a ban for the duration of his lifetime or ours? Because those are two very different things.” 

She shrugged and added, “I guess we can check back in forty-to-sixty solar rotations and find out.”

There was a giggle between Lapis and Jasper which pulled Peridot out of her reverie. Expression suddenly stormy, the Green gem rounded on the pair.

“Uh-oh, here comes the Per-bear stare. Look out, OJ, she’s about to shoot rainbows at us,” said Lapis in a stage whisper while holding on to Jasper’s arm. 

Jasper’s faint smile, which had been lingering since Connie was confirmed okay, escalated to a smirk.

“Of all the irresponsible, short-sighted- Oooh! I’ll shoot more than refracted light if you keep this behavior up, Lazuli. And Jasper! First you take Connie over a cliff during the weapon summoning lectures and now this?! One more act of recklessness and I’m going to strap a parachute to Connie that’s rigged to go off the moment you get within five feet of her!”

* * *

“If Peridot had gone with you and Jasper on this mission, you’d be wearing a parachute right now, wouldn’t you?” asked Steven.

“Oh, absolutely,” answered Connie with an unrepentant smile.

* * *

There was a clearing amidst a vast field of honeysuckles. The whole area was dusted with snow but neither the plants nor their colorful and fragrant flowers seemed to mind it.

The hum of the warp pad filled the clearing. Jasper and Connie materialized, the latter hung suspended in mid-air for a moment before landing full on her face. 

“Oof!”

The large gem was holding a brownish-gray pyramid in one hand. The girl was dressed warmly and wearing a backpack.

Jasper bent down and with her free hand hauled Connie to her feet. She gave the girl a questioning look.

“I’m okay! I’m okay!” Connie smiled, rubbing her chin slightly. “I just need to practice my warp, uh, dismount, I guess,” and straightened the glasses on her nose.

Jasper nodded and strode forward. Connie sprinted to catch up.

The girl surveyed her surroundings, holding an expression that tried but didn’t quite manage to capture the stoicism that was the Orange gem’s default look. Then Connie noticed the haft of an impossibly large sword, the pommel sprinkled with snow, jutting out of the improbable and fragrant landscape.

The neutral expression was swiftly dropped. “Whoa… What is this place, Jasper?”

“Gem battlefield. Big one,” was the terse answer she received.

Nothing stirred save for the pair that were walking, or in Connie’s case, jogging, between the trackless, weapon-strewn fields of foliage.

Connie ducked under the handle of an axe sized for a giant, and saw full-on the structure that had been looming into view: a massive, inverted stone pyramid. Connie gaped once more. 

“Jasper, since Lapis and Peridot aren’t here to argue over who knows more about gem ruins, do you think you could give me the basics?” Connie asked.

“It was Homeworld’s. It’s locked. Now we have the key,” she said, holding up the little pyramid she was carrying.

Connie cleared her throat, then gave Jasper a serious look. “Understood, though so I’m better able to fulfill the mission objectives, I would benefit from a briefing on the target’s purpose and history.”

Jasper was silent as she looked over the upside down pyramid. Then she gave a small chuckle, and looked down at Connie. “Alright, squirt, I’ll give you that one. Several major, decisive battles took place at this site. This thing,” and she gestured to the towering structure, “wasn’t built by any of ours. I never have been able to get in --those walls are stronger than they look-- but I found the key while patrolling yesterday.”

There was another period of silence before Jasper spoke again. “Citrine, Peridot, Lapis: none of them knew exactly what it was. We discussed using stronger means of cracking it open but Citrine said not to,” she explained with complete acceptance in her voice.

“Centuries back, Peridot spent months scanning this thing with every device she could think of. She says it’s mostly hollow and completely dormant.” 

She then knelt in front of Connie and looked her straight in the eyes. “It’s time you went out again and this time you won’t have to worry about…” and Jasper paused for a moment as she considered her words, “water hazards.”

Connie nodded and gave Jasper a weak but grateful smile.

* * *

“Water hazards?”

“I, uh, I don’t really want to talk about it, if that’s okay?”

Steven leaned forward, a look of sympathy on his face, and gave Connie’s hand a squeeze.

* * *

Jasper circled the massive edifice once then approached a point where a square hole was set into the surface at about waist height for the large gem. Orienting the comparatively tiny pyramid in her hand, a pervading light drew it from her open palm and into the slot.

Once it was flush with the outside wall, there was a _sparkle_ and then… there was a doorway to inside.

Jasper looked at Connie, who nodded, and the pair walked in. Jasper took point.

They entered a large and cavernous chamber, murals and patterns of tessellated triangles adorning every surface. In the center was a pillar on which floated a tiny inverted pyramid indistinguishable from the one Jasper had used to unlock the ancient structure.

The air, in contrast with outside, was warm. Balmy even. Connie shouldered off her pack, slipped out of her winter layers, stuffed everything into the bag, and set it down by the entrance.

Connie, overawed, gaped at the ancient artwork. Her demeanor of trained wariness melted away into utter, wide-eyed astonishment.

Though she tried to take it all in, Connie kept coming back to one mural in particular: Citrine and an unknown gem standing against both a figure of blue and a collection of purple ones. Connie pulled out her cell phone and took a photo.

In a soft voice that carried in the absolute quiet of the chamber, Connie asked, “Jasper, what’s this picture about?”

Jasper, who had been walking the perimeter of the room, vigilant as always, turned and followed Connie’s gaze up to the ceiling. “That’s a Rebellion battle. Early one. Important.”

Then, looking almost wistful, the gem added, “Before my time.”

“And w-who’s that pink gem fighting alongside mom?”

Jasper’s expression grew immediately dark; on Lapis such an extreme shift wouldn’t have been unusual, but Connie seemed so surprised at the warrior's transformation that she actually retreated a step.

“A filthy traitor,” growled Jasper between clenched teeth, demeanor broadcasting hatred.

Connie looked at Jasper, then up at the picture, then back to Jasper, a hand going up to her gem. “Could-” but before she could say more Jasper silenced her with an intense look.

Jasper paced the room, fists clenching and unclenching. Finally, having no more deserving target available, Jasper punched the wall. Hard.

The force of the blow and the cracking of the designs thereupon made a retort like a gunshot in the enclosed space. On the pillar, a hovering, upside down pyramid wobbled like a top that had lost too much spin... 

...then flipped over completely.

There was a loud thrum that resonated through the chamber. A hole opened in the ceiling. The ceiling suddenly became the floor.

Connie fell, screaming.

* * *

“Parachute?” asked Steven.

“Parachute,” answered Connie before adding, “and probably a helmet, knee pads, and mouthguard.”

“Oh, maybe she could make a giant hamster ball for you instead. I mean, a protective bubble would be pretty handy, I imagine,” said Steven while miming an all-encompassing barrier.

Connie started to chuckle but then looked like she’d swallowed a fly. She glanced around the room to make sure no one else was present, then she leaned in toward Steven, her expression serious. “Steven… can you, uh, never mention that idea to Peridot? Ever? Please?”

Steven nodded solemnly then reached forward and gave Connie’s nose a little wiggle.

* * *

_toofastTooFastTOOFAST_ , screamed a corner of Connie’s mind.

Jasper, out of Connie’s field of vision, managed to flip upright and slide down the steep walls of the bowl-shaped former-ceiling. She kicked off and hurtled toward Connie.

With an act of will, Connie summoned a force field at a sharp incline. She hit it a second later, changing her fall through the opening into a tumble toward the rim. Her world becoming a dizzying blur.

She distantly heard a ‘SMACK’, the unforgettable sound of a force field cracking, and a cry as Jasper plummeted below.

Connie landed on the rim of the bowl, her senses drunk from spinning, and she scrabbled without finding purchase on the smooth surface. Her last view of the room included a blur of pink and yellow as she slid into the hole.

 _Put a force field in place!_  
_Which way is down anymore?!_  
_Ooh, shouldn’t have eaten those_ Protes _bars earlier._  
_Aaaaaaaah!_

Jasper had managed to arrest her fall with sheer, brute strength, bracing her strong hands against one side of the chute while bracing legs like tree trunks against the other. She could see Connie tumbling down towards her.

At the last moment, the Orange gem released her hold and pulled Connie in tight, wrapping her body around her protectively.

The pair hit the ground with a heavy ‘THUD’, Jasper’s whole body acting like a roll cage, absorbing and distributing the impact for Connie. Jasper rolled to her side and set Connie down gently, then leapt to her feet, immediately on the lookout for further threats.

Connie laid there, dazed, dizzy, and winded.

* * *

_Connie’s Log, Stardate Sixteen dot Twelve dot Eight. Jasper and I are inside some sort of ancient gem temple dedicated to triangles and sadism. The situation is as such: the hole overhead is sealed; there are sixteen triangular doors arranged evenly around a circular room; backpack of stuff and winter clothes never actually came down; Jasper can’t punch through the walls or floor._

Mental assessment complete, Connie called out. “Hey Jasper, I think I’m ready. Which door do you want to start with?”

Jasper, who had been spindashing up the walls like a daredevil motorcyclist in a rounded enclosure, gave up trying to punch out the hole’s seal and landed neatly near Connie.

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Okay, um, what I’m going to call the top point of this big triangle in the middle points to that door. Can you mark this surface?” _punch, crack_ , “And can you leave a mark next to the door we’re going to try?” asked Connie as Jasper wordlessly but loudly complied.

First Jasper, then Connie crossed the threshold of the door. There was a short corridor followed by another door. With a _sparkle_ , the way they’d entered was sealed.

Jasper confirmed in her usual, subtle way that the seal was just as robust as the previously tested surfaces. With a shared shrug, Connie and Jasper traveled the length of the corridor and entered the room beyond.

In front of them was a row of seven cubes touching point-to-point with their two neighbors. Each was about three feet tall; their sides were green and their tops were blue.

Above that was an identical row, six cubes wide. Above that, another row of five. Then four and so on up to a single topmost cube. The whole arrangement made a kind of blocky staircase that was wide at the base and narrow at the peak.

Conne prodded a cube. Touching the sides did nothing, touching the top turned it from blue to yellow. Same behavior from the next cube, and the next. “Uh, I guess we turn all the tops… yellow?” said Connie.

Jasper hopped from square to square with ease. Connie had to clamber up.

Once about a third of the cubes showed yellow, a purple sphere roughly the size of a beach ball dropped down from the ceiling, then began to hop from square to square down towards Jasper.

Jasper punched it… and was hurled across the room as though hit by a truck. She hit the far wall with a heavy thud, then slid to the floor.

The sphere began to hop toward Connie.

“Eep!” cried Connie, hopping cube-to-cube across the third row, trying to stay ahead of her pursuer. Jasper sprung to her feet and lunged over to the girl, scooping her up.

Taking special care to avoid the leaping obstacle, Jasper converted all the squares. Once done, a triangular section of wall at the top of the structure vanished with a _sparkle_. 

Jasper brought the pair of them up and through the door quickly.

* * *

Two more rooms, identical except that the cubes were colored differently. The second room had three spheres chasing them. The third had five. In each case Jasper literally carried Connie to victory.

After escaping the third room, they were met with a long, featureless corridor. Jasper set Connie down gently. 

Pointing over her shoulder at the room they’d just come from, Connie asked. “Was that sort of thing normal millennia ago? I mean, what is that supposed to prove exactly?”

Jasper shrugged her broad shoulders. “I mainly knew the war. Couldn’t say.” 

Seeing Connie’s dissatisfied frown, she knelt down in front of the girl.

With a large finger, Jasper softly tapped Connie's brow. “Peridot shouldn’t do what she was made for. That’s good for the Earth. That’s hard on Peridot.”

She then reached around and tapped Connie in between her shoulder blades. “Lapis shouldn’t do what she was made for. That’s _very_ good for the Earth. That’s hard on Lapis.” 

Jasper then tapped the gem of her own nose. “I was made to fight. I should and I do. I’m perfect.”

“Citrine gave us all the freedom to choose, but,” and she tapped both back and brow, “they haven’t found the right choices yet. I chose the right side to fight for and that’s enough for me.”

“Citrine gave you this,” and she reached over and lightly tapped Connie’s gemstone. “Citrine was made for leading. Strategy. I fight to fight; Citrine fought to win. You will too. It’s the right choice.”

Then, with a conspiratorial smirk, Jasper leaned in close. “Personally, non-Quartzes rarely make much sense to me. This place?” and she gestured around them, “ _Definitely_ not made by a Quartz.”

Jasper and Connie shared a chuckle; just a pair of Quartzes surrounded by absurdity.

* * *

Connie straightened herself up to what she imagined was a proud, Quartz-esque bearing. The two proceeded down the hallway, enjoying a kind of camaraderie that was novel for Connie… for all of about five yards. 

Connie stumbled mid-step and landed in a heap.

Jasper wheeled around scanning for threats before helping Connie to her feet. “Sorry,” said the girl, cheeks flushing with embarrassment, “I guess being carried around made my legs feel kinda noodly or something."

A few more steps and Connie staggered again, leaning drunkenly against a wall, feeling oddly light-headed. “Are you feeling anything, Jasper?” The large Quartz shook her head.

After a third episode, Jasper scooped Connie up and carried her out the corridor.

They entered a large, circular room with sixteen triangular doors. The door to their right had an outline of Jasper’s fist decorating it. It was pointed to by a similarly marked tip of a large triangle drawn into the floor.

* * *

_Connie’s Log, supplemental. I hate this place but it hates me back harder. One door leads to a series of rooms filled with puzzles, traps, or puzzling traps. Each room involves going up-up-up. Each ends in a corridor where I suddenly forget how legs work. Entering an exit corridor from the main room just takes you to a dead end; it’s a one-way path._

_Room of Square Coloring and Bouncing Punch-Balls? Saved by Jasper._  
_Room of the Escalator surrounded by Jets of Fire? Saved by Jasper._  
_Room of the Staircase where you can only use the Prime-Numbered Steps or risk being frozen into a Block of Ice? Saved by Jasper._  
_Room of a Hojillion Spikes and Swinging, Bladed Pendulums? Summoned too many force fields, nearly passed out, and was saved by Jasper._

_Me, the ‘mighty, winning Quartz’._

_I’m not even exploring anymore. I’m just sitting on this big, stupid triangle while Jasper enters the rooms. I have instructions to hide under my force fields if something attacks._

_If something does, I’m sure Jasper will show up to save me then, too._

_Sitting here thinking over my myriad failings, I believe I have one more to add. Back when I first plummeted into this room, I believe I may have accidentally caused Jasper to facecheck a force field of mine while, you guessed it, she was trying to save me._

_When I stand before a jury of miffed heroines, my only defense will be, ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time.’ I can already feel their scorn._

* * *

Jasper walked through the final door, a bear trap clamped to one arm.

“Hey Jasper, you’ve got a thing...” said Connie pointing, her knees still pulled up to her chest.

The large Quartz seemed to notice the snare for the first time. She pulled it off like Connie might remove a sand burr and chucked it over her shoulder. It hit the floor and vanished in a flurry of _sparkles_.

“Anything?”

“Just traps.”

With a sigh, Connie pulled herself to her feet and did another survey of the room. Every door was marked save for the one Jasper had just walked through.

“I just don’t get it. We were near the bottom of an upside down pyramid originally, then it flipped or something and we fell into the base. Each room involves going up, which makes sense --we’re ascending the pyramid-- but then we come out here. I… I don’t know what to do, Jasper,” said Connie despairingly.

Jasper shrugged. “We keep going. Keep fighting. A Jasper and a Citrine; we’ll win,” stated Jasper as though observing that water was, in fact, still wet.

She then crossed the floor and picked Connie up. “Where to, squirt?”

As though conceding to the inevitability of Jasper’s self-assurance, Connie gave a weak smile. “Back to the Square Coloring room, then.”

Jasper ruffled her hair and strode forward.

* * *

“Why the heck do I get all wobbly? There must be something to that.”

“Again?” asked Jasper.

“Again!” was Connie’s battle cry.

* * *

“I hate you, you… stupid... non-Euclidean triangle dungeon!” shouted Connie from the top of the final cubical staircase. The five spheres bouncing below seemed unimpressed.

She then turned and stormed into the exit corridor. When she stumbled and flopped to the floor, a growl of pure frustration erupted from Connie’s throat. Ripping the glasses off her face, she threw them down the corridor…

...then watched as they sailed in a long, low arc, eventually landing more than a hundred feet away.

Jasper looked at the glasses, then at Connie, an eyebrow raised.

“GRAVITY!” shouted Connie, springing awkwardly to her feet. “The pyramid didn’t flip over at all; there was no movement. It reversed Up and Down. It can control gravity inside itself!”

She turned and pointed at Jasper, a manic grin on her face. “And you automatically adjust to the new gravity. You don’t even feel it. But I’m part human. When it turns the gravity down, I get all clumsy… But why is it-” she started to ask.

Connie’s eyes went wide. “This is a maze for gems! We climb all the way up some stupid trap puzzle and then it lowers us down in a big elevator shaped like a corridor. The gravity tweak must be so gems don’t notice the movement.”

“HA! In your big, fat, three-sided face!” Connie yelled, jabbing a finger tauntingly at a nearby stretch of wall.

Jasper blinked. “When we walk in, this room is near the top and then it takes us to the bottom?”

Connie nodded as she jogged past the gem, off to retrieve her glasses.

“Then it must not want us at the top. I can work with that,” said Jasper.

Connie blinked, her epiphany-induced surge of confidence subsiding. “How?”

Jasper shot Connie a grin and made a fist, “Like a Quartz. Come on! Let’s go break something.”

* * *

Connie and Jasper stood at the threshold to the exit corridor once more, the spheres bouncing ineffectively off Connie’s force field.

Jasper pulled into a spindash but stayed in place, spinning up faster and faster, the usual whine rising to something intense and shrill. Connie had to cover her ears.

With a shockwave of displaced air, Jasper shot forward like a bullet. Connie immediately began running after her.

There was a mighty ‘CRASH!’ as the blur that was Jasper slammed into the door at the end, shattering it. The corridor shuddered and the sound of mechanisms grinding to a halt reverberated throughout.

At the end of the tunnel, like an elevator caught between floors, there was a narrow opening into a new room while the rest of the doorway showed ruined stone.

Jasper staggered to her feet as Connie clambered up and through the gap.

* * *

“Hidden chamber!” cried Steven, arms upraised in excitement. “Go Connie! Wooo!” He then proceeded to run victory laps around their pillow-laden portion of the living room.

Connie flushed as though from a mix of pride and bashfulness in the face of such praise.

Eventually Steven jogged to a stop and flopped down onto the cushions face-first. He rolled over onto his back so that he was looking up at Connie.

“Ready for the finale?” asked Connie between giggles.

Steven raised a fist and made a vigorous knocking motion, the sign language equivalent of shouting, 'YES!'

* * *

The room was pitched and tall like a cathedral’s ceiling. Starting about fifty feet up were swirling bands of flying platforms. Floating higher still was an obelisk topped with an abstract face etched onto a rotating, pyramid-shaped head.

Embedded in the obelisk’s middle was a square, white gem.

Just as Jasper was about to leap upward Connie swooned and stumbled to the floor… very… slowly. Jasper, meanwhile, cleared maybe four feet before dropping back down.

The gravity had suddenly dropped precipitously.

Lunging with all her strength, Jasper gained about five feet of height before landing with a roar of frustration.

Connie tried to push up off the floor and drifted ten, fifteen feet up before settling back down with a cry of, “Yeaaah! Moon Girl!”

Taking a moment to observe the whirling obstacles overhead, Connie nodded to herself then jumped, soaring skyward.

The embedded gem gave a pulse of white light and a circling band of platforms moved to intercept.

Waiting until the last moment, Connie willed a small force field at an oblique angle into being, pivoted around, then kicked off, now going even faster.

Her laughter echoed throughout the chamber.

A pulse of white and a second band tried to obstruct, the floating pyramidal shapes looking painfully solid as they hurtled along their orbit.

Two more force fields allowed for two more high speed course corrections and with that Connie had slipped inside the obelisk’s guard.

The partial human hit the object with a thud but managed to cling to it, arms and legs wrapped around it like it were the trunk of a tree.

“Pull out the gem!” called Jasper far below. The obelisk’s top swiveled to show a displeased face.

Agile fingers gripped at the lip between the gem and the stone face. Bracing her feet against the obelisk, Connie heaved, felt the gem sliding free and then…

* * *

The explosion threw Connie in a high parabolic arc. She found herself suddenly having to reorient to normal gravity, the conventional direction for _Down_ , and the sudden, profound cold of outside.

 _Seriously! Floaty powers would be SO nice right now!_ , a corner of her mind thought while the rest reeled with the extreme circumstances.

At the moment when her flight was about to become her fall, Connie willed a force field into place, then she turned her landing into a forward roll. At the end of the roll she flipped over and tried to cling to yellow barrier’s edge but her momentum was too great.

Two more angled and scarcely controlled descents and she managed slow down enough to land on a fourth hard light construct.

Punch drunk, her concentration shaky due to four extant fields, covered in goosebumps, Connie none the less wobbled upright and pumped her arms in the air with a cry of victory.

Jasper heaved her way out of a tangle of honeysuckle, trailing probably two dozen bushes-worth of vegetation. She appeared to be holding a battered backpack that was trailing thin wisps of smoke.

“Hey, Moon Girl,” called the gem from perhaps forty feet below, “give me a boost and I’ll get you down.”

* * *

“That was, like,” and Steven paused to tally something, “three ‘parachute’ moments at least. Probably four. Were you okay? Oh! And did you get the gem?”

Connie finished most of her drink, throat a little parched after so much speaking, and replied. “I was pretty sore for another day but I was mainly just bounced around, not actually hurt.”

Connie then pulled a face. “Unfortunately, we still don’t know where the gem wound up. I lost it in the explosion and it could have been thrown anywhere. Plus, the old battlefield is really overgrown so it’s hard to search. Still, Jasper’s been patrolling there a lot and so far nothing has changed.”

Connie took another sip of her drink and added, “It felt good to have a successful mission out like that... even if I’ve developed something of a distrust for triangles.”

Steven laughed and added, “I feel the same way with my geometry homework.”

Connie smiled, then was distracted by the light of the fire reflecting off something: the pair’s phones were sitting forgotten on the floor nearby. She frowned slightly, then looked over to make sure there was no one save Steven present.

“W-Would you like to see that mural I was talking about?”

Steven’s eyes went wide and he nodded enthusiastically. A moment later and the two were huddled over the screen as Connie paged to the infamous photo.

“I wonder who she was?” asked Steven after a moment of rapt silence. “I mean, she looks like she’s protecting your mom, which doesn’t seem very traitor-y. What did Lapis and Peridot say about her?”

Connie looked uncomfortable in that moment. “Honestly, I’ve been a little afraid to ask them. If something upsets Lapis she tends to respond in a big way and then disappear. And since Lapis and Peridot have been so happy lately, well, I’m worried showing it to Peridot will mess up a good thing. I mean, it was really bad around here after-” and Connie caught herself, then turned to look at Steven.

“Water Hazards?” he asked, his expression both compassionate and a little sad.

“Y-Yeah,” and Connie hung her head. 

Once more Steven took her hand and gave it a reaffirming squeeze. She smiled up at him, sincere appreciation clear in her eyes.

Turning back to the phone, Steven tried to zoom the picture of the mural in but he accidentally paged to the next picture instead. There, Connie was bundled up in heavy winter clothing while in the background loomed an immense and fantastical castle, seemingly made of ice.

Steven closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. He exhaled slowly and opened his eyes. This ‘Serious Steven’ looked at Connie for a moment, then said in patient voice, “Connie, I think before we do anything else today, I need you to give me a list of any other amazing things I’ve missed over the last month. Because if I find out in an hour that you’ve drilled to the center of the Earth or fought zombies or told campfire stories with Bigfoot, I think my face is going get stuck in a permanent gasp, just like dad always teases me about.”

Connie gave a wide smile and held up her hand as though taking an oath. “I solemnly swear I have done none of those things you mentioned. Furthermore, the _last_ crazy thing that happened recently was a mission Jasper, Lapis, Peridot, and I took to investigate that ice castle you saw.”

Steven looked her dead in the eyes. “You’re sure?”

“Completely.”

“Very well,” said Steven, getting to his feet. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to step outside and shout or wave my arms or something. Maybe do something boring and normal for a moment, like tying my shoes or walking through a door without getting caught in a flash flood… I think all this magical destiny business is making me jumpy.”

He paused a few steps later and amended, “Well, that and all the sugar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates!
> 
> First, some of you may have noticed that Ep1Ch3's revision has not happened yet. BR42 reports that there's going to be a slow down on the Ep1 and Ep2 revision project, dropping down to about one chapter every other week. Something had to budge and this was the lowest priority way to make time. But don't fret, revisions are coming and BR42 is saying good things about funny new content going in.
> 
> Next, if you haven't already read them, we've had two additional chapters added to the [Omake Collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23628408):  
> *) [What Can I Do For You?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23677404) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- "Doug did miss Citrine, missed her every day. And he hated that he let that show in front of Priyanka as much as he did ... But the thing that really made him hate himself was the small, idle thought in the back of his mind of how good it felt when Priyanka hugged him ..."  
> *) [Fond Reminiscence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23704536) by [SilverScribe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe) \- "Sometimes happy memories lead to unbearable pain..."
> 
> The team is extremely happy with both and touched that CoreyWW and SilverScribe opted to write such great fics set in the Connie Swap setting.
> 
> We're also pleased to add that several more omakes are in the pipeline, so keep an eye out for updates. If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Next week is the final mini-episode, _Connie's Howling Castle_ , going out May 3rd!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	4. Connie's Howling Castle

Steven came back from his perfectly normal jaunt outside. He removed his winter coat --his hat was considered a lost cause given how profoundly poofed out and unruly his hair still was-- and laid it down by the window seat.

It was a good excuse for him to oogle the giant maul Jasper had previously set down. 

‘For Lapis,’ the giant battle woman had said. Steven cocked his head to the side, as though he were trying and failing to envision the svelte, blue magic lady even lifting the massive implement.

Connie, meanwhile, had taken the time to empty and rinse out the carafe, then fill it back up with water.

The pair of them _had_ been consuming a lot of sugar, after all.

As she was conveying the carafe plus a tray of carrot sticks and apple slices over to their fireside hangout, Steven spoke up.

“Can Lapis use a big hammer like this? I mean, it seems like the answer to when I ask ‘can they do blah’ is always, ‘yes’, but.. You only ever see people like Lapis using weapons like this in really silly animes, and that just doesn’t seem like the right kind of story for you guys.”

Connie called over her shoulder as she carefully set everything down. “She could sorta use it by swallowing it up in water and then swinging the water around, but she’d get the same effect using rocks or a tree instead. Her hydrokinesis is stronger than her muscles; _much_ stronger.”

There was a pulse of light, a chime, and the gem herself stood on the warp pad. A mercifully faint fish smell wafted through the Beach House.

Lapis was wearing a broad smirk which dimmed a little as she saw Steven and Connie separated by most of the length of the living room. “Ah, that’s no fun,” the gem said cryptically as she stepped off the crystalline platform. 

“Peridork sent me back to check on you two, make sure you weren’t being tormented by some big, stinky monster.” 

She then gave the pair her characteristic grin and added, “But I see Jasper’s not around, so we’re in the clear.” 

Connie gave a light laugh which Steven took as permission to add a chuckle of his own. He then paused suddenly, blinked, and asked, “How does Jasper smell?”

“Terrible. I just said that,” cracked Lapis as she walked over, a single eyebrow raising at the sight of the gem weapon. 

“Why, Pinkie Pie, you shouldn’t have!” she said, clasping her hands together at her chest.

Steven looked momentarily shocked, gaze darting to the maul then back to Lapis before he rolled his eyes and chuckled at his own surprise. “Jasper brought it by, miss. Said it was for you.”

Lapis crouched down and ran a finger over the engraved designs on the weapon, smiling. “Ah, the big lug. All this time and she’s still trying to get me _hammered_. Well, I’ll admit she has her moments,” said Lapis looking nostalgic.

Then she snapped to and told Steven, “Oh, and none of that ‘miss’ business. Save that for Peridot, who, incidentally is probably expecting me back.”

With a last glance around to make sure all was in order, Lapis turned and began walking back to the warp pad.

Connie looked perplexed. “Wait, you’re actually heading back? Like, promptly?”

Lapis paused and turned to Connie, bemused. “Yeah. What of it?”

“That’s… so, _responsible_ of you,” she said, enunciating the word as though, in this context, it was foreign on her tongue. “Normally you’d eat some snacks, read a manga, maybe even take a small nap before _considering_ heading back.”

Lapis looked offended at Connie’s insinuation. “Hey! You take that back! I have a reputation to uphold and there’s company over,” she said, tilting her head towards Steven. “You go around saying that in front of ol’ Stewniverse and pretty soon everyone will think I’m some sort of upstanding citizen.”

Lapis drew herself up mock-imperiously, marched over to the warp pad, then turned and addressed the room. “I’m feeling constrained by the likes of you hoi polloi, so I will be taking my leave.”

With that the warp pad chimed. Just before Lapis was completely engulfed in the column of light, she brought her thumbs to her ears, waggled her outstretched hands at the pair, and stuck out her tongue.

Steven, chuckling at the gem’s antics, walked over to their fireside roost and began to settle in. He thanked Connie for the refreshed refreshments as he bit into an apple slice.

Connie collected her instrument and her thoughts both, then played a sustained note, making minor tuning adjustments. Satisfied, she cleared her throat and said, “Without further ado, I give you the next and final installment of our tales this day.” 

She performed a bit of a slow and atmospheric song --played often during the in media res opening scene of each _Under the Knife_ episode, though Steven showed no sign of recognition-- and said, “Imagine now a room much like this, with a girl, much like me, standing over there, much like you were, but being slowly entombed in a combination of cloth and over-protectiveness…”

* * *

“Hold still a little longer, dear,” said Peridot as she finished wrapping the scarf tight around Connie’s head. 

Angry brown eyes glared out through the small gap.

Lapis loitered at the kitchen counter, watching the two with a mix of amusement and mild surprise, waiting for the spectacle to really start.

Peridot turned and withdrew another scarf from the pile of winter attire, at which point Connie’s patience snapped. Lapis’ smile widened slightly.

“No! No head burrito!”, was the girl’s muffled objection as she pulled away from the Green gem. “One more scarf and I’ll pass out from the heat, assuming the lack of oxygen doesn’t get me first!”

Peridot chased after the girl, the scarf that broke the Connie’s tact still in hand. “Do you realize how cold it’s going to be in the Great North at this point in the solar rotation? You risk frostbite, hypothermia, a plethora of-”

Connie, trundling away, obstructed by the half dozen layers around her arms and legs. The former was making it particularly hard for her to grip and unravel the two scarves swallowing her head. “Ugh! Gah! Stupid- I know it’s cold but I can dress myself! Lapis, help me out here,” she pleaded from somewhere within all the fleece and wool.

Lapis smirked and looked about to say something biting when she checked herself. Instead, she walked over and put an arm around Peridot, stopping the gem in her pursuit and eliciting a surprised smile. “Periranha’s just looking out for you, C-dog. It’s colder than a Sapphire’s ti-uh-ongue. A Sapphire’s tongue,” she said, making an awkward, mid-phrase save.

Peridot rolled her eyes while Lapis cleared her throat, the Blue gem adding, “It’s cold, is what I’m sayin’.”

She then gently removed the scarf from Peridot’s grip and set it down on the window seat. “But Peri, the gal’s not a little girl. Hasn’t been for... oh wait, the birthday, um, okay, bad example.”

Rallying, Lapis used her free hand to pull Connie in, an arm around the girl’s and the Green gem’s shoulder, each. “My poorly-made points are, Connie, try and listen to Peridot and Peridot, try and listen to Connie.”

She then pulled the two into simultaneous hug-squeezes and added, “And both of you, listen to me, ‘cause I’m awesome.”

Peridot nodded and rested her head on Lapis’ shoulder. Connie looked up at the Blue gem, probably smiling… it was hard to tell under all the layers.

She then cleared her throat and added, “So… still drowning in fabric here.”

* * *

A few minutes later and Connie, stripped down to a reasonable number of layers, was in the process of packing her backpack. 

_Shoestring to make a bow drill? Check. Pot for melting and cleaning water? Check. Long shelf life foodstuff? Check. Extra clothing_ , and she spared a look of disdain for the pile of recent attire, _check. Animal tracks keychain identifier and binoculars? Checkity-check. First aid kit; externally fastened sleeping mat; copy of_ How To Survive The Punishment of Nature? _Check, check, aaand check!_

Connie was pulled from her thoughts by the sounding of the warp pad. Jasper, snow dusting her hair and shoulders, stood impassive as ever. “The area surrounding the Great Wailing Stone is clear. Peridot?” 

The technician pulled up a display from one of her limb enhancers and spent a moment bringing up chart after chart. She nodded. “We’re still above the confidence threshold on the seismic sensor readings. We can rule out earthquakes, avalanches, and terrestrial mining at this point so it’s definitely a sustained, unnatural phenomenon.”

Jasper gave Peridot a respectful if subtle tilt of the head before addressing the room once more. “Okay. This mission is go. Peridot: brief Connie. Lapis: aerial recon; go find us our target and be on the lookout for secondary hostiles. I’m going to keep the insertion point secure.” 

And with that she vanished once again.

Lapis started to walk towards the warp pad when she patted her hips and froze. “Hey, P, you know where that canteen got off to?”

Peridot deployed a single floating digit to guide Lapis to the appropriate spot in the kitchen while she addressed Connie. “We’re off to an area near a derelict gem structure in rural Manikota. Something has tripped our sensors and we’re pretty sure the Quartz Pack is elsewhere, making this an optimal time to strike. With your successes with the Kunzite and the Testing Tetrahedron, we’ve agreed to allow you to accompany us on a hunt and retrieval mission. I must stress, however, that yours will be a strictly supporting role.”

Connie, shouldering her pack, nodded, her face utterly serious. “Yes ma-”

* * *

Steven’s eyes went wide with recognition and urgency. He tried to draw in a breath to interject, but in his haste he forgot to finish swallowing his mouthful of water first. He spent about thirty seconds sputtering and coughing, all while holding up a single finger, signaling for Connie to pause in her story.

Finally and in a slightly scratchy voice, Steven said, “Wait? Manikota?! That’s where the Voleur Violet gets sighted! Did you fight it? Did it steal your food?! Was it lurking just out of the range of your camera’s zoom?”

Connie, who had set down her instrument midway through Steven’s coughing fit, quirked her head as she tried to process the oddball interruption. 

_Voleur Violet?_ , she thought as her mind shifted gears over to the French she’d learned at Peridot’s insistence. “The… ‘Purple Thief?’ I don’t know what that is, Steven,” she said a moment later.

The boy looked visibly excited at her response. “Oh! It’s this monster that lives in that area; has for decades. Maybe even longer! Here, hold on, let me pull it up on my phone.”

He grabbed the device from its spot on the floor next to Connie’s and worked steadily on it, his brow furrowed in concentration. “Ahah!” he cried triumphantly as he scooted close to Connie, showing her the screen.

Connie glanced at the image, then at the website’s name, recognizing it from Ronaldo’s occasional boardwalk proselytizing, then she skimmed the… exclamation point-riddled screed below.

She turned to see Steven staring at her, clearly waiting eagerly for her verdict. “Um, I can honestly say we did not encounter the, uh, ‘Scourge of the Hiking Picnicker,’ nor have I heard the gems mention anything like it before.”

Steven’s face fell. He set the phone down and, seemingly without realizing it, began to finger-comb his hair.

Connie glanced once more at the image on the phone before a look of realization spread on her face. “Steven?” and the boy paused mid-brush. “Do you research gem stuff when we’re not hanging out?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

His cheeks flushed slightly. “Um, maybe… I, uh, I just want to help out, you know? I’m not a Magician of Destiny like you and your family. Even when we were fighting that worm thing, I was just doing what you told me. And that was after you were smart enough to figure out a plan and then draw it up on your awesome, magical doodle wall.” 

He shrugged and gave a weak chuckle. “But I’ve always read comics. This is like more of that but with the chance of being useful… well, useful for more than talking with Jeff in the weekly Beach City newbie class.”

Connie took a moment to consider Steven’s words and the implications thereof.

Then she shot Steven a smile, reached over, and wiggled his nose with her finger. “Thanks,” she said earnestly.

He blushed further.

Turning back to her violin, she continued to speak. “I mean, this whole mission was full of stuff we didn’t know enough about, so it can only help, right?”

* * *

“Lapis, Jasper, and I know everything relevant here, so follow our instructions to the letter; anything else can only hurt the mission,” lectured Peridot as her pupil nodded.

Connie, backpack ready, Lapis, with a canteen bouncing off one hip and her curious cylinder hanging from the other, and Peridot, her pre-mission lecture complete, stepped onto the warp pad and were subsumed by the transportation beam.

During transit in the floaty between-space, Lapis whispered something to Peridot, causing the Green gem to giggle and whisper something back. Connie actually looked surprised when one of them noticed her floating up and pulled her back down.

The girl was about to ask something when the beam vanished and the cold hit her full on, leaving her momentarily breathless. Once she was over the abrupt temperature change, she was then struck speechless by her surroundings.

They were on the edge of pine forest, snow blanketing the area. Hills rose and fell and a shocking blue sky shone overhead. _This is gorgeous! It’s exactly how I imagined the_ Templar’s Taiga _looking in_ Destiny’s End. 

Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled.

Immediately behind them was a huge bell-shaped structure with what looked like a brass-fitted tunnel running clear through the center of it. Brass filigree decorated the exterior, looking vaguely reminiscent of the circuit boards Peridot had heaped to one side of her room within the temple.

Lapis stuck her tongue out in concentration and slowly the snow heaped on and around the structure floated elsewhere and was dropped with a dull ‘whump’. Meanwhile Jasper tromped over from her patrol along the forest’s edge.

“Hey, Dot, mind getting me some melt water? I forgot to fill up at the house,” asked Lapis as she finished tidying the gem edifice.

Peridot used her green tractor beam with one hand to elevate a mass of snow and then used a weak series of blasts from her cannon to melt it all. Some quickly started to dribble out of the levitating glow.

Connie blinked. “Lapis, I’ve seen you melt ice before. Is this special, anti-Lapis snow or something?”

Lapis went to ruffle Connie’s hair but was thwarted by the girl’s winter clothes, so she settled for booping her nose instead. “If you squeeze the ice hard enough, it’ll melt even when it’s freezing outside. P-pod can tell ya all about it sometime, but the point is, squishing stuff made of water: sure; melting or freezing stuff made of water: not muh thang.”

She then waggled her eyebrows and said, “Peri, however, knows how to warm a body up.”

Peridot, who had been making another check of the seismic readings, shot a nervous glance at Connie for some reason, then looked at Lapis, scandalized.

Lapis smirked. “Warm a body of water up, of course,” she clarified as she drew the melt water into her canteen.

Jasper, her eyes never stopping their scan for trouble, muttered something that Connie didn’t quite catch.

Lapis tried to fix Jasper with a hard stare but, when the latter failed to meet her gaze, settled for poking the warrior as she spoke. “No, they certainly didn’t have trouble with that. Do I need to remind you what they _did_ have trouble with? Cause I remember. All. Too. Clearly.”

* * *

“What was that about?” asked Steven between attempts of the impossible: eating carrot sticks quietly.

“Lapis said it was someone from the war." Connie looked down and rubbed one arm as she spoke, "Jasper and Lapis get that way sometimes; I’ve learned to be careful asking about back then.”

Steven looked like he was torn between asking a follow-up question and wanting to treat a delicate subject gently. With a shrug he settled for the less contentious task of using carrot sticks as tusks and making Connie laugh.

* * *

Lapis flew off to conduct her aerial reconnaissance. Jasper, seemingly rebuked, went back to her perimeter patrol. Peridot and Connie busied themselves until the Blue gem returned.

“Found our target. Kinda hard to miss actually, since it’s basically a well-dressed glacier going for a Sunday stroll. It’s about four miles thataway as the gem flies,” she said, pointing into the forest. “Fortunately, somebody already cleared part of the way.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Connie.

Lapis shrugged, “You’ll know it when you see it.”

The trio joined up with and informed Jasper of the details. The large gem took point, doubling as a kind of living snow plow for the group as they made their way deeper into the trees.

* * *

The swath of ruined forest was several hundred yards wide and miles long. Mature trees had been torn in half or uprooted fully. Deep divots had been gouged into the earth, rocks and soil heaped and scattered seemingly at random.

Connie gaped for a moment before asking in a quiet voice, “What did all this?”

Jasper picked up and tossed the upper half of a pine tree off the trail like it was a caber. “The Quartz Pack.”

Connie took a moment to examine the new growth around one of the sundered trees. _This is all a month old at least_ , Connie realized, falling back on her hard-drilled wilderness survival skills.

“What exactly is that? You guys have said it before but, uh, what I thought it meant wasn’t something that could do this.”

Lapis made a hand gesture, causing a clump of snow to topple from the branches of a tree that was mauled but still upright. The snow crashed over Jasper’s shoulders. If the warrior noticed, she didn’t show it, but Lapis snickered all the same. 

She then turned to Connie and said, “A pack of Quartz monsters; ‘xactly what it says on the tin, Conniechiwa. A whole mess of ‘em. We don’t pick fights we aren’t sure we can win, so if we see them on this mission, we skedaddle, ya dig?”

Connie nodded.

“Anyway,” continued the gem, “this here is them having a little party. I think they get a little bored when the wildlife settles down to nap through the winter.”

Peridot chimed in, adding, “And the possibility, however remote, of the Quartz multitude being present means no mission into Manikota is permitted unless it’s the full group. Which,” and she squared Connie’s shoulders, smiling at the girl, “includes you. Well done,” she said, visibly proud… 

...for about three seconds. Her face shifted to a look of anxiety and she blurted out, “please-don’t-make-me-regret-this-pleasepleasepleaseSTAY **SAFE**!”

* * *

Connie stood on a small rise, looking down at one of the strangest sights of her life: a walking ice castle. 

The massive and oddly-arranged structure would slowly rise up on four spindly, frozen legs, take one step forward, and then collapse on to the ground. _Whump!_ Slowly the legs would reform underneath and the process would repeat.

A wake of flattened landscape marked its passage.

From behind, Connie heard the click of her phone’s camera, pulling her from her gawking.

She swiveled around to see Peridot holding the device and smiling broadly. Connie patted the pocket where her phone should have been, then ran over with a cry of outrage.

“Hey! What’s the big idea?”

Peridot wiped under her visor. “I merely felt the need to create a document of this moment for posterity.”

Some of the fight seemed to leak out of the girl. “Well, okay, but why’d you pick my pocket?”

Lapis, who had been leaning beside the emotional gem, gave an impish grin. “I bet miss Artful Clodger here she’d lost her touch since the old days. She proved me wrong.” The pair giggled.

Connie walked over then took and pocketed the phone while adding, “You two are weird.” That served only to amuse them even more.

Jasper, who had been lingering on the group’s edge, walked over to Connie. “So, you’ve seen it. What do you think, squirt?”

Connie chewed her bottom lip in thought for a moment. “Well, it’s made of ice, so I’m guessing there’s an ice-controlling monster somewhere inside. I mean, the castle design kinda screams ‘protect me.’”

Peridot spoke up. “So you estimate that it’s using the elements to protect itself?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Man, I hate it when gems do that.”

Everyone took a moment to stare at Lapis.

After a pregnant pause, Connie picked the conversation back up. “Anyway, this makes me think this is another situation where Jasper, Peridot, and I sit down a safe distance away while Lapis does her thing.”

Jasper nodded. “Lapis, your thoughts?”

Lapis looked at the castle, which was preparing to take another step, and scowled. “I tried giving it the hydrokinetic equivalent of tweaking its nose when I flew overhead. I couldn’t budge it. If the crummy thing were made of good ol’ splashy water then I’d show it who the real champ is, but ice and snow are trickier.”

Peridot elbowed Lapis. “So you are saying it _froze_ you out?”

Lapis laughed and gave a ‘this guy!’ gesture towards the technician. 

Jasper cleared her throat, quieting the group. “Good first guess. What’s your next plan, kiddo?”

“It’s an ice controller in the dead of winter. It’s not very fast. Couldn’t we stick a tracking device on it and wait until summer?”

Jasper shook her head. “No guarantee it won’t just retreat further north or that the Quartz Pack won’t be the in area when we return. Remember, always seize the initiative. Act, don’t react.”

Connie frowned, then furrowed her brow in concentration. _Act, don’t react. Besides, for as much pseudo-medieval fiction as I’ve read, I ought to know a thing or two by now about storming a castle._

“First we should probe its defenses so we’re not going in blind,” said Connie after a moment’s thought. “Peridot, could you scan it and Jasper, do you think you could see how close you could get before it reacts?” and both gems nodded.

“Then we need to assault the castle and capture the gem. Peridot and Lapis can bombard it since the usual ‘giant water fist’ isn’t an option. Meanwhile Jasper penetrates the walls and I use my force fields at a distance to block some of the counter attacks.”

Lapis stretched one arm high over her head and was literally hopping up and down. “Oh! Oh! Hey teach, pick me!”

Connie rolled her eyes but smiled and pointed to the excitable gem.

“Slight amendment to the plan, boss: while Peri is blasting it, I’ll run in with Agent Orange and use the melt water to piss it off.”

Connie considered that. “That sounds good, but you can do that all the way back here. Why get in close?”

Lapis gave a huge grin and unclipped the little metal cylinder from her side. “So I can use this baby...” 

She flicked her wrist like she was extending a telescoping baton. The cylinder extended, and extended, perfectly-machined components sliding out to improbable lengths. Once fully extended Lapis gave the thing a little jiggle, causing the rounded part at the end to fold out into a drum shape. 

The soda can-sized canister had somehow been transformed into an oversized, metal mallet.

With a flick of motion, water from Lapis’ canteen flowed into the opening at the bottom of the weapon's long grip. With ease, Lapis drew back like she was swinging a golf club, giving Connie a wink. Then she swung, sending a rock the size of Connie’s head flying a half a mile away or more into the trees.

“...to turn that upstart over there into ice cubes.”

* * *

“So lemme get this straight…” asked Steven lying on his back, thumbs and index fingers held up and forming a frame, as though to help him visualize something. “Lapis uses water to let her smash stuff with a large hammer that folds up into a little accessory she wears on her hip?”

“Pretty much,” said Connie as she packed up the drawing supplies she’d used to sketch out the design she’d shown Steven. Of course, then Steven had added his own touches to the sheet of paper, prompting Connie to do the same. 

_Technical and personal; informative and fun… Hmm, I need to be careful: down that road lies subtext analysis and shipping charts_ , thought Connie with a faint smile.

“I take back part of what I said earlier. Silly, girl-with-a-big-mallet anime is wrong for everyone _else’s_ story. Lapis’ story, however, reads right-to-left and probably uses the word ‘baka’ a lot.”

* * *

Jasper got within about ten feet of the castle before one of the crenellations, a solid block of ice that weighed about as much as a mid-sized car, broke free and forced Jasper to dodge back.

Using the binoculars she’d packed, Connie could see the part of the fortification slowly growing back, the raw material probably pulled from the omnipresent snow or from the castle’s mass itself.

Jasper jogged back to the group and joined the huddle.

Peridot looked up from her display and said, “The inner structure is resisting my scans, but the structurally weakest external point is here,” and she pointed to a section along one of the flanks. “It will be the focus of my initial barrage and should be Jasper and Lapis' point of ingress. As soon as the fortification finishes its next advance, we should commence the assault.”

Everyone stepped out of the huddle and hustled to their places; Peridot moved into optimal firing position; Connie was as far away as she could be and still reliably summon her fields; Jasper stood twenty feet back from the castle, slightly to the side of Peridot’s line of fire; Lapis blew Connie and Peridot kisses and then skipped over to Jasper, giggling with malicious excitement, her hammer held in one hand and balanced on her shoulder.

_Whump!_

Peridot, who had been charging her shot for several seconds, fired, then poured a stream of follow-up blasts into the wilting swath of ice. Moments later, a warning light blinked in the HUD overlay in Peridot’s visor and her cannon was allowed to cool and recharge.

A section of the castle about as large as a storefront looked like a candle held too close to a camp fire.

Jasper spindashed into the weakened wall, exploding through, while Lapis flew in at speed to follow, water streaming up from the damaged area and forming a pool that flowed after the Blue gem.

A massive smokestack of ice swung as if hinged, preparing to smash into the breach; whether to seal it or to crash through and crush the intruders was unknown.

With a cry of alarm, Connie formed as large a force field as she could directly in its path. The smokestack crashed into the field, hitting it directly and shattering it into rapidly fading, yellow fragments, though that did delay the hit long enough for Lapis’ smaller than average lake to form into a fist and punch it off course.

Connie flinched. _Okay, two things: having a field smashed outright feels super weird and I’d really rather not have that be a regular thing, and next time form the field at an angle so the blow is deflected. Jasper taught me that on Day One of shield training. One heroine demerit._

The castle started to rise up but several precisely aimed shots blasted the nascent feet out from underneath.

Just inside, with fists and crash helmet, Jasper pummeled the next wall, then turned and exploded with a punch what looked like a rolling boulder made of ice. Lapis wound up with improbable ease and leverage, then swung her hammer into the cracked barrier, shattering it with a cry of, “ **OH YEAH!** ”

With fluid movements, she whipped the hammer around, smashing several falling projectiles that outweighed her by at least a factor of five. She then turned to hammering at the interposing wall with considerable glee.

So caught up was she in her smashy revelry that Jasper had to step in and protect the Blue gem: once forcing a toppling wall backwards and another time literally stepping in to allow a heavy chunk of ice to break over her crash helmet before it could strike Lapis. Blows that would have laid any other member of the team flat (or worse) simply failed to phase the implacable warrior.

The entire ceiling over Jasper and Lapis started to buckle, cracks forming in the eclectic and battered facade.

 _It’s collapsing that entire facing on top of them! Think-think-think-act-ACT- **ACT**!_ , screamed Connie’s inner monologue.

Directly over the pair’s heads, a yellow field popped into existence. Then two horizontal ones appeared to either side of them, supporting the field above and looking a little like a door frame. 

Lapis jumped in surprise but Jasper merely glanced, shrugged, and resumed her assault on the next wall.

Connie grimaced as the pressure on the fields increased, but the loosened ice gave first. Several tons of frozen water crashed down in an avalanche, burying the entrance completely instead of crushing Lapis and Jasper outright.

At the top of the ramp of rubble was a large hole leading into the structure.

“Peridot! I have to get in there!” shouted Connie, already running as fast as her boots could take her across the snow. “They could get crushed without me and I have to see where I’m putting my fields!”

Peridot gave a strangled cry and tried to catch the girl in her tractor beam, but the green field overshot its maximum range and lost cohesion a dozen feet from the sprinting target. 

Spotting motion, she saw another crenelation preparing to topple, timed so as to hit just as Connie got beneath it. “Don’t you **dare** , you hunk of coprolite!” the Green gem bellowed as an arc of lightning shattered the block into smithereens.

While Peridot was busy with her covering fire, Connie scrambled up the ramp and disappeared within.

* * *

A hallway was visible that curved left and right into the unknown. Light poured in from the opening but it also filtered in through the translucent walls, giving an all-encompassing but diffuse glow.

“Jasper! Lapis!” shouted Connie, too full of concern and adrenaline to wince at the loudness of yelling inside so confined a space. The dull grinding sound of ice shifting and reforming swallowed up any reply that might have come.

 _Focusfocusfocusfocus-one-two-three-fields-focusfocusfocus_ , thought Connie as she tried desperately to maintain her hold on the constructs that could possibly be all that was keeping Jasper and Lapis safe.

A crash echoed from the hallway to the right. Sliding on the slick floor, Connie scrambled and sprinted in that direction, calling for the gems time and again.

Before long Connie came to a cave-in, having to fall on her stomach and coast to a halt to prevent from crashing into it headlong. Behind her the walls of the hallway began to slide closed, attempting to trap her within.

Unable to scramble to her feet in time, Connie willed another trio of fields into a reinforced door frame formation. Drunkenly, staggering from both the ice and the effect of supporting six concurrent fields, Connie hobbled over and collapsed against one of the yellow barriers.

_‘m p-p-pretty sure that… makesss two d-d-demir… demur… two bad hero’n points._

She sat there, staring hard at the yellow fields around her even as she looked unsure as to exactly why it was so important.

* * *

An indeterminate amount of time later, there was a loud, shrill noise and a nearby wall disintegrated into icy powder. Something grabbed Connie by the neck of her jacket and hauled her along: through a corridor of ice, out across sunlit snow, and then under the shade of a copse of trees.

Lying on her back, propped up by her backpack and sleeping roll, Connie stared up at the piney canopy. Slowly the fog in her mind lifted and she became aware of a… snuffling sound?

A moment later a large snout loomed into her vision and Connie screamed, springing to her feet and backpedaling until she bumped into a tree trunk.

Looking at her with large, intelligent eyes, was a giant, yellow wolf.

“N-n-nice doggy,” stammered Connie.

The wolf took a few tentative steps forward, then seemed to wait on Connie.

Slowly the girl removed her right mitten, took a hesitant step forward, hunched her shoulders in uncertainty, and extended her exposed hand towards its inquisitive nose.

The huge canine gave the hand a perfunctory sniff, padded forward, sniffed Connie’s face, opened it’s mouth wide until all of Connie’s vision was filled with teeth…

...then finished its yawn. It nuzzled her, causing Connie to stagger back into the tree and land on her rear, then it flopped down and dropped its head into her lap.

Dumbfounded, Connie brought a hand up and gently scratched the noggin that was heavy enough to pin her in place. The wolf shifted position slightly so she was scratching the base of one ear, then another.

A large tail wagged, thudding against a tree trunk hard enough to shake snow loose from the branches.

* * *

“A MAGICAL WOLF?! Did it talk? What was its name? Did it want you to go on a quest? Was it-”

“Steven!” interrupted Connie. “It didn’t talk. It just… wheedled ear scratches out of me, snuffled me all over, then looked at me expectantly until I sniffed it back.”

Steven paused to process this crucial new information. “So, what does a giant, yellow wolf smell like?”

Connie smiled at his question. “Mostly like wet dog, though faintly... floral, I guess I’d say. Something sweet. It had awful breath though.”

“Aww, the poor thing must have... _howlitosis_ ,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

Connie grabbed a pillow up off the floor, buried her face in it, and gave a long, muffled groan.

* * *

There was a distant crash and a tinkling that sounded like an enormous window shattering.

Connie --who had just sniffed the animal’s hindquarter which seemed to satisfy its anticipatory stare-- shot her head in that direction and exclaimed, “The castle! The GEMS!”

“I have to go. Uh, good boy?” said Connie, backing away from the canine before turning and jogging in the direction of the noise.

A moment later and she heard heavy breathing; a wolf that was slightly taller than she was came loping along silently behind her. “Clearly you aren’t a normal wolf, but this thing up ahead is really dangerous. I have to fight it but you should probably go… do whatever it is you do.”

Another crash, this time with the added staccato of blaster fire, and Connie sprinted headlong; the canine cocking its head to the side before sneezing and following the girl at an easy jog.

* * *

The castle was in a sorry state compared to its earlier appearance. Battlements and assorted windmills were all damaged or destroyed and the ground surrounding it was littered with icy rubble.

Sounds of conflict rang out from one of the gaping holes in the side of the structure. Connie hollered for the gems and ran in.

Before too long Connie saw a large ice block cutting the hallway’s height by more than half and lowering steadily. She willed a vertical field in place to halt it and, without slowing at all, dropped into a baseball slide.

Just as she had scrambled to her feet on the other side, there was a piercing howl and the block of ice behind her crumbled into a fine, icy powder. The wolf padded over, panting happily and nuzzling one of Connie’s arms into prime head-scratching position.

Connie’s eyebrows jumped up, even as she obliged the unspoken request. “Uh, Wolfy, I need to get to the middle of this castle. Can you clear a path there?”

The beast, sitting on its haunches, quirked its head at Connie before getting up, and sniffing along the inner wall of the hallway. A few yards of this and it stopped at a point, sneezed, and scratched at the ice a few times with an oversized paw. It stared at Connie as if to confirm she was ready for its big, bad wolf rendition.

“G-Go ahead.”

The animal took a deep breath then gave another piercing howl. Connie had to clap her gloved hands over her ears at the sound of it reverberating in the confined space. Cracks spiderwebbed through the wall before a section of it disintegrated into fine powder. Still baying, the wolf advanced and pulverized another obstacle. Connie hurried after.

Twice Connie had to summon fields: once to jam another descending ceiling and once more to shunt an ice boulder down an adjoining hallway.

Twice more the wolf obliterated several intervening walls.

* * *

Moving through the frozen powder, the canine entered a dim, rounded chamber. It sniffed along the ground until it came to a dais in the middle, sneezed again, then turned to looked at Connie.

Connie scratched the wolf’s ears and mumbled a quiet, ‘good boy,’ while peering at the sight before her: atop the dais was a deep blue pillow upon which rested a green gem. No, not rested; The gem was _embedded in_ the pillow.

Connie heard a crackling sound as ice flaked away from the walls and ceiling in a shower of frozen fragments. Four-inch long spikes of ice were revealed and immediately all the surfaces began to close in.

“Aah! Wolf, keep our escape path clear. I-I’m gonna… shoot! I wish I knew how to bubble. Uh, uh, Lapis! Jasper! Peridot? Shoot-shoot-shoot” rambled Connie as she looked around frantically for inspiration.

The yellow animal seemed unconcerned with the situation. It gave Connie a placid stare, lightly nuzzled the pillow, then looked at her again.

Connie blinked owlishly, then reach out and picked up the pillow.

The sudden silence was deafening. The walls and spikes were frozen in place.

“Huh… that’s kinda anticlimactic, not that I’m complaining,” said Connie.

The wolf didn’t disagree.

Being careful to securely hold the pillow away from any icy surfaces, Connie tossed a pot and several articles of spare clothes out of her pack, then stuffed the gem pillow inside and made triple-sure it was closed securely.

“Wait, what?!” came the muffled voice of Lapis. Suddenly clean lines began to form along a far wall. There was a succession of thuds as large fists pummeled the ice blocks that were being pulled apart hydrokinetically. 

Then there was a crash as a mallet strike punched a plate-sized hole through. Lapis brought her face up to the opening and called, “Heeere’s Lappy!”

The Blue gem then noticed who was in the room and exclaimed, “Hey! Connie!”

As Lapis withdrew and Jasper resumed widening the breach, Connie could hear Peridot cry out, “Connie? Connie! Don’t move! It could aggravate any injuries you’ve sustained!”

Connie smiled, relief clear on her face as she called back, “I’m fine, ma’am. I have the gem monster contained in my, uh, backpack. Also, don’t be alarmed-” and she swiveled around to glance at the wolf…

...and it was nowhere to be found. There weren’t even any tracks in the ice- and powder-covered floor.

“I’ll be alarmed when the situation warrants it AND THIS IS PRECISELY SUCH A SITUATION!” came Peridot’s shrill reply.

Jasper stepped through, surveying the room and quirking an eyebrow at the rubble-strewn entrance blasted open behind Connie. 

Peridot rushed in and gave Connie a tight hug while the latter squeaked, “Careful! Careful! Gem-in-the-pack!”

Lapis stepped through daintily, held out and dropped her hammer like it was a microphone, then braced one foot against a wall and pried a spike loose. “Hey Connook of the North, this where the gem was chilling?” she asked, pointing a thumb at the dais.

Connie nodded dumbly while undergoing Peridot’s field examination.

Lapis squinted at the icy pillar for a moment before the top inch or so broke off and flew over to Jasper. “If you would, please,” requested the Blue gem. 

Jasper took the disk in her hands and crushed it thoroughly.

Peridot, seemingly satisfied that Connie wasn’t on the verge of expiring, opened the pack and bubbled the offending gem.

Lapis levitated the pulverized ice onto the flat top of the spike she was holding point down. She then waggled the ersatz snowcone at the bubble and took a large bite, the solid ice ‘cone’ cracking loudly.

“Mmm,” she purred, “tafes wike vickory. Anyone wan’ one?”

* * *

“But, what did the gems say about the wolf?” asked Steven, staring up at Connie, riveted.

“Lapis said they’d been doing this for thousands of years and they'd never encountered anything like a giant, yellow wolf. She added that some monsters kinda look like animals, but it’s obvious that they aren’t, so it wasn’t a gem beast. Peridot asked if perhaps it was some new power that formed a wolf-shaped construct to act as a battering ram.”

“Ooh! That sounds awesome!”

Connie chuckled. “I told her I doubted a power of mine could recreate wet dog smell. After that she scanned me again specifically for signs of concussion or fever.”

“But, uh, how do they think you got in there?” asked Steven, scratching the back of his head.

“They thought up a lot of ideas but the one they seemed to like the most was a kind of stress-induced partial summoning of my sword.”

“Your sword can explode ice walls?!” exclaimed Steven, eyes wide and mouth open.

Connie scowled at the question. “I, uh, I don’t know. I haven’t been able to summon it other than the one time, despite trying _really hard_ to make it happen again. It did smash a part of the temple so... maybe, but regardless, it wasn’t my sword.” By the end, Connie had assumed a defensive posture, arms crossed in front of her, her shoulders hunched forward.

“What did Jasper think?” asked Steven, a touch less enthusiastically.

“She examined the hole the wolf had made in the wall and kinda stared at me, but let the others do the talking.”

“And you haven’t seen the wolf since?”

Connie shook her head.

Steven sat up and clasped a hand on Connie’s shoulder, smiling wide. “Well, I believe you. That’s so cool! You should totally have a magical wolf. You could ride it into battle and it could track things down by smell and you could train it to go to the Big Donut and fetch bags of snacks.”

He paused a moment, then added, “Just don’t order chocolate, ‘cause I’ve heard that’s bad for dogs.”

Connie laughed and the pair spent several minutes thinking of ways every heroine would benefit from a magical canine companion.

A little while later Connie was staring out the window, watching the snow fall. The girl looked a little melancholy. “I guess that’s its home up there, so it’s probably for the best.” She sighed. “It was just so neat encountering something magical that wasn’t trying to eat and/or crush me."

Steven gave her hand a squeeze.

Connie gave Steven an appreciative if thin smile, but added, "I’m just sad I won’t get to see it again.”

Somewhere off in the distance, a wolf howled.

Steven and Connie looked in the direction of the noise, then looked at each other and exclaimed in unison, “No way!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of _Tales of Beach City_ , our story/vignette episode. We hope you all liked it. Stay tuned next week for the start of **Episode 6: Universal Appeal** :
>
>> Connie, Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper have been invited over to Steven's house to celebrate New Years Eve. Magic and the mundane mingle as three-and-a-half Gems and three-and-a-half humans bring in the New Year together!
> 
> * * *
> 
> Next, if you haven't already read them, we've had two additional chapters added to the [Omake Collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23628408):  
> *) [Creative Writing](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23819718) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- " _The Adventures of Lady Connaline and Lord Stefan_ is a bit of creative writing Connie does when no one’s around. What happens when her hidden bit of fiction gets found out?"  
>  *) [Still and Silent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23849106) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9) \- "As Connie struggles to find her sword again, Jasper shows her a secret technique from a time long ago."
> 
>  _Creative Writing_ is a hilarious piece of whimsy and _Still and Silent_ is an excellent and oh-so-well-written examination of Jasper as she attempts to impart some personal wisdom to Connie. The team is very grateful to both CoreyWW and Cyberwraith9 for the wonderful omakes.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


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